Tag: life

Stories of Fall

Photo: Malachi

Staring at the blank screen after weeks of not writing reminds me of middle school algebra, unable to solve simple equations. The first sentence takes me 5 to 10 minutes until I feel like it’s good enough for me to move on.

The last few months feel like those agonizing minutes yet have breezed by like the rest of 2018. It’s almost my 1 year anniversary at work, I’m hoping to go on vacation early next year, and my ambitious career outlook still remains at the top of my priorities.

Sometimes it’s the only reason I wake up. My current job feels like a stepping stone, yet the days take their mental toll.

My support system always stresses patience, positive mental attitude, and a little amnesia: one work day at a time.

Being sick over the last few weeks certainly hasn’t helped. I’m looking forward to my first day at full health performing at a high level, for my own confidence.

Working in customer service drains the soul sometimes. If anything it’s perfect insight to how we truly treat each other in society.

Enough about work, overall I made great decisions in regards to my career this year. I’m in a better position now more than ever. Thankful for where I am.

Hallow18

Halloween 2018

I’ve had some fun adventures recently. The weekend before Halloween hung around the Wicked Village downtown. My roommate, our friends, and I fully enjoyed the costumes; we encountered a herd of Bob Rosses, played BP with deluxe trash bins, and danced to whatever EDM was played.

One of the perks of living in the city, despite its impossible parking and inflated prices, endures through unlimited freedom of lifestyle.

When life feels stagnated I can use my surroundings to remind myself what my hours at work have bought me. I can eat whatever strikes my mood of the moment. If I want to meet family and friends for dinner and/or drinks they all want to come down to my neighborhood. I’m fortunate to afford such luxuries.

Each year I feel more appreciative than ever. This year has risen my level of gratitude. I’m not just lucky but I’ve also earned what I have through determination and drudgery. As I start to realize this fact my confidence will grow.

Confidence, that’s the missing word lately. It’s the catalyst to improve all aspects of life.

After feeling super congested, lethargic, and weak over the past two weeks I’m hopeful I’ll be close to 100% tomorrow. I’ll have a strong work day and head into the weekend on a high note.

The next few weeks could help me get on a groove. It’s the holiday season. I’ll get a few days off here and there, but even more importantly see friends and family. Some important people are coming home from across the country and sea.

My friend Japan is coming home. The last time he was home we arrived at Gossip just in time for the new year. He and I have too many past due adventures on our list.

There’s one more friend coming home after new years hopefully. I (sometimes) purposely don’t name individuals. Leave you a little vague. You don’t need to know everything but listen to this song.

I don’t need to tell you anything else.

10.6.18

Recently I’ve reflected constantly about the direction of my life. What are my goals? Am I engaging on the right habits to meet those goals? Will those milestones fulfill me?

Some of my motivations come from such negative sources. I’m ready to shed some of these sore memories which have inspired progress but still leave me angry and weak. These goals need fuel from purity.

These goals whether personally or professionally should originate from what I want, not what I perceive society wants. I should want their benefits for the betterment of myself, not society.

I just wrote down some goals and how I plan to pursue them in my personal planner. One goal I didn’t have the space for was finding peace with some of my past. I was able to put my family issues behind me and as a result built up family as a strength. I need to put my relationships with people no longer in life behind me.

Whether it’s ex-girlfriends or people who I fell out with. Taking vindication in anything negative in their lives doesn’t heal old wounds. Maybe taking up meditation can help me detach from those feelings. I need some kind of tool to help me detach from those memories.

Time spent mulling over those people in the end leaves me lesser than I am. It’s not any of their doing. There’s no honor I have to defend or put out into the world. I need to forget it so I can live a more fulfilled life. There’s someone I care about romantically but lives across the country. We can’t have a real relationship in the near future, perhaps ever but I’m ready to wait it out for now.

I have so many of my own goals I want to meet on my own before I’m with someone again. Having a partner sounds incredibly comfortable right now. It’s been a long time I’ve felt embraced and that’s ok. It’s a want, finally not a need. I want to reach a place in my life professionally so I can invest in someone and love them.

I’ve thought a lot about my mistakes and the things I won’t accept from someone again. This person I’m attached to accepts me and wants to be accepted. There’s a liberation of the things I feel like I’m suppose to do. I don’t have to live up to some expectation someone else conceived. I think we just expect the person we’ve come to know.

I know I don’t care other than she seem to love me and I don’t wanna let that shit go. Only a few people will love you in your life. Even fewer will love unconditionally. That’s one thing that separate us. Real love is unconditional. Remember that.

Summer 2018

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Photo: Crooked Books

These past few weeks have challenged the state where I find myself emotionally.

Am I really in position to find professional satisfaction? Some days work beats you to the ground. Everyone tells me living through this job will payoff, but I’m anxious if it doesn’t.

If I don’t move beyond, what happens then?

While agonizing about work I’m struggling with what I want in my free time. How do I balance my career with hobbies, dating, socializing, and everything else?

Sometimes I don’t know what my hobbies are or what I’m good at.

Last weekend I felt fine with spontaneity spending time with friends, family, and someone I care about romantically.

Maybe I can discover a state where I can unwind when I’m not working.

Recently I can’t define what I’m working towards. Even if my career progresses will that satisfy me? I fear it won’t. Finding a purpose will undo my distress.

This woman seems like a solution but only when she’s here. Living on opposite sides of the country nullifies any potential relationship.

Dating other women didn’t work. I’m not compatible with them and inevitably I think of her.

I don’t believe in fate yet a time could come where she and I can couple. In the meanwhile I focus on situating my career.

Feels like a perfect fantasy but that’s years in the making and a lot can change.

Focusing on finding happiness on my own first will open the door to romantic fulfillment.

I miss making music. My enthusiasm for sounds emitting dormant emotions within me has never left.

On Friday I jammed with Greg and we struggled making headway. Not his or my fault. There’s void in my skill and what I want to contribute. I need to spend time establishing my current voice.

Let me speak to where I am now, how this year holted a hopeful individual at the end of 2017, and relinquishing the last bit of withheld grief.

I’m learning there’s more fruition in life beyond making money and professional status. There’s still solace for that in this space.