Welcome to Dryden

After 12 hours of delay, $60 in Uber rides, and whole day of wasted vacation I made it to Ithaca.

We spent Sunday hanging out at home with quick into town for breakfast and warmer coat for me to sport while I’m here. The drastic difference in weather bewilders me. It’s been snowing all day, yet it’s bearable conditions for the community.

The cold immediately whips your face when you step outside. My nose felt like it was cracking Saturday night waiting for my ride to fetch me. Thankfully I’m here and enjoying my vacation far, far, away from work with my girlfriend. Last night was nice just hanging out playing Pokémon while she finished some work.

She goes to class during the day which allows me time, and no excuses, to scrub down my to-do list. Hanging out on a university campus and atmosphere influences some working honesty.

At home I get distracted so easily. I find ways to waste a whole day doing nothing I’m proud of. I’ll have time for productivity and fun this week.

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Comfort at Home

My goal is to feel ready to go back to work and face the rest of the year by the time Friday morning rolls around. I need to set some short term goals for the next few months along with some longer term, perhaps, life goals.

I met with a team lead from a department I’m interested in working last week. We had a really nice conversation and hit it off really well. I keep find I’m kindred spirits with each person I met from the group. The phrase came up again with her, unsolicited too.

It seems like a fit but how do I break through the barrier?

The key is to not get ahead of myself and start imagining working there full-time. First just get some exposure, if possible. Shadow over there first. Make sure it’s something I want to do while at the same time making a contingency plan with my supervisor.

My primary goal this year is to advance beyond my current position and department.

Ideally I can get on this urgently, fresh from vacation, when I return home. Finally I feel a bit of clarity in wake of floundering through a gloomy fog.

There’s a long list of albums I’ve started to eat through while typing my hopes and dream away.

Gave Artificial Selection another chance before going to Swanfest next month. It’s much better than I remember. I got burnt out on Dance Gavin Dance after I went on a 6 month bender with them. Collected 3 LPs and saw them twice in that time.

This version of the band found its best formula on Mothership stepping up tablature heat index on this outing.

Saying it’s more of the same is a bit dismissive, yet it’s no different from when I roll down to my taco shop and order the same shit every time. Carne Asada fries always taste great and never surprise me with declining flavor.

I’d have to ask for something new, and unknown, for a fresh experience, which I won’t ask of them or DGD.

Similarly Parquet Courts developed a popular sound receiving more publicity with Wide Awake! They’ve released 6 albums yet I only found them last year. Originally from New York City, their taste for 70’s art rock isn’t all too surprising except for the briefness in which it’s done.

Call it post-punk, garage rock, whatever, they’ve dialed into an easily understood rock sound which elicits movement. The guitar distortion sounds purposely lofi for an artsy aesthetic but serves to energize, not overwhelm, the funky rhythms.

While it’s definitely a hipster’s delight, I don’t see myself listening to Wide Awake! again; however, I find the funk and art rock arrangements vibe with my city lifestyle. It’s a soundtrack for city folk like me.

On my way over to Ithaca I rolled through Crystal Lake’s Helix and Czarface Meets Ghostface while playing Pokémon. I’m debating reviewing Helix or taking another approach in blogging my thoughts.

People don’t generally read album reviews anymore so how do you engage people to both hear the subject and find substance in your words? Perhaps this requires help from Jake and Andrew. Thoughts for another day.

I really enjoyed bobbing along Czarface’s album almost completing a second run on the plane. So fucking tired of the saturation of trap beats and mumble rap. Far more repetitive, and tiresome, sound motifs reoccur in trap than in metalcore. Fight me.

Again, another day for that. Remembering I’m actually on vacation I need to enjoy myself everyday, not just work. There’s enough time for both.

Swooning

I’m sitting in an airport waiting for my flight to depart. Of course I’m one of those people who shows up early. Regretfully didn’t take down a night cap before leaving. Thankfully sleep’s merciful release will swoon me as soon as my ass crashes the seat. Hoping for as much REM as possible.

Last time I wrote from the airport, I took stock of how far I’d come navigating independence. Dealing with a break-up. Last time I visited a close friend in Japan. Now a girlfriend, a little closer by.

Did not think I’d be saying that going into 2018. I wanted it to happen so badly again but of course these things always happen unexpectedly, by circumstance. I’ll be with her for a week, the most time we’ve had the fortune of spending together. What luck I have the means and time to see her.

I can imagine the future taking shape how wonderful that might be; however, I’ve felt the disappointment of a fizzled future. Enjoy the present. Appreciate the waking moment, it’s already passing. Savor it while it’s happening. The future is… Air!

Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.