Category: Personal

Oblique Angles

The Jousters by Alexander Calder

I’ve been going through something lately. The void of loneliness hit me hard this week. Maybe it’s smoking cigarettes catching up to me. I got through three days without it.  Today feels easier. Yesterday was the hardest. I felt the most alone. Visited The Getty before seeing Pianos Become The Teeth. It’s a beautiful museum. I only spent about two hours or so there but I’d make a day of it next time.

Hopefully I won’t go on my own again because it seemed like I was the only one who went solo. I’m missing companionship, as usual. I have friends but I’m pretty bad at making new ones. It feels like I have no one, despite a wonderful family and some great friends. I’d like to have Bro Gang back together but we’re all spread out. The older we get it’s more likely we’ll settle down in our current circumstances.

When I went to therapy it was suggested I try MeetUp to find new friends and hobbies. I’m too insecure. I make all the right excuses to avoid the unfamiliar but I’m running out of alibis. Whatever procrastination and loafing about after work hasn’t worked. I’m bored and alone, and when I’m dull I smoke.

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Fresco with the Arrival of Io in Egypt

Today I’ve kept the urge at bay and thought more clearly. I’ve concluded there’s a need for socializing in my free time that doesn’t involve any kind ambition to achieve something. Everything I do involves some kind of goal, even if it’s not immediately apparent. Even when I player guitar I wonder if I can eventually make an album or possibly shows again. I don’t need to burden myself like that.

Perhaps I’m looking to mingle while doing something of no consequence. Maybe that’s how I’ll make a new friend or meet someone meaningful. I keep changing my mind about dating. I crossed paths with someone a few months ago but unfortunately she’s too far away and there’s likely no future. I daydream sometimes  what it would be like if she was here permanently.

I also try avoiding thinking about her like that. We have different lives on opposite coasts of the country. At the same time I don’t know what I want most of the time, except maybe what I fantasize about. Maybe it’s unhealthy to think about her, but it gives me hope at the same time. Either way I need to get outside more, not just physically.

My time is freeing up a bit now. I’m settling into my new job and my eyes have set on career advancement. Now I just need to add social interaction to my schedule once or twice a week.

Melancholy Relapse

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Photo: Alison Scarpulla

I don’t write or read as often as I should. A lot has happened since last time. I bought Lords of The Realm a few weeks ago but I haven’t managed to spend much time with it. There’s always something to write about but I’ve lacked the energy and will.

Physically I haven’t been myself. I finally got over some major congestion this week but my stomach has felt weak. I haven’t worked out much these two weeks. While the rest feels necessary I don’t do anything productive or fulfilling. I feel guilty for not working out or doing something with the time that just opened up. It’s an odd conundrum.

Everything seems like a enigma lately. I stopped seeing someone I liked. I’d never made that decision before or told someone we were done. It obviously wasn’t fun but it was the right decision for me. Now I feel lonely again.

I’d like to be with someone but it doesn’t seem practical right now. My career feels far more important right now. Maybe I’m more afraid to try again, or my confidence feels a little diminished. Whatever it is I’m not trying right now. Perhaps I’m letting my career focus excuse me from trying to find someone. If I really wanted to find a partner and balance my priorities it’s not impossible. Certainly difficult but attainable.

My mom thinks I’m overexerting myself. She’s right. I’m going back to working out three times a week to give my body time to rest and open up my schedule. I spend too much time alone. I want to meet new people. Make new friends on my own.

As much resistance as I have to finding a mate, at the core of me, I want it to happen more than anything. When I meet the person who just fits by intuition, in some way I can’t foresee, that’s the moment to embrace those romantic dreams I have.