Personal – Page 6 – Disaesthetic

10.6.18

Recently I’ve reflected constantly about the direction of my life. What are my goals? Am I engaging on the right habits to meet those goals? Will those milestones fulfill me?

Some of my motivations come from such negative sources. I’m ready to shed some of these sore memories which have inspired progress but still leave me angry and weak. These goals need fuel from purity.

These goals whether personally or professionally should originate from what I want, not what I perceive society wants. I should want their benefits for the betterment of myself, not society.

I just wrote down some goals and how I plan to pursue them in my personal planner. One goal I didn’t have the space for was finding peace with some of my past. I was able to put my family issues behind me and as a result built up family as a strength. I need to put my relationships with people no longer in life behind me.

Whether it’s ex-girlfriends or people who I fell out with. Taking vindication in anything negative in their lives doesn’t heal old wounds. Maybe taking up meditation can help me detach from those feelings. I need some kind of tool to help me detach from those memories.

Time spent mulling over those people in the end leaves me lesser than I am. It’s not any of their doing. There’s no honor I have to defend or put out into the world. I need to forget it so I can live a more fulfilled life. There’s someone I care about romantically but lives across the country. We can’t have a real relationship in the near future, perhaps ever but I’m ready to wait it out for now.

I have so many of my own goals I want to meet on my own before I’m with someone again. Having a partner sounds incredibly comfortable right now. It’s been a long time I’ve felt embraced and that’s ok. It’s a want, finally not a need. I want to reach a place in my life professionally so I can invest in someone and love them.

I’ve thought a lot about my mistakes and the things I won’t accept from someone again. This person I’m attached to accepts me and wants to be accepted. There’s a liberation of the things I feel like I’m suppose to do. I don’t have to live up to some expectation someone else conceived. I think we just expect the person we’ve come to know.

I know I don’t care other than she seem to love me and I don’t wanna let that shit go. Only a few people will love you in your life. Even fewer will love unconditionally. That’s one thing that separate us. Real love is unconditional. Remember that.

Summer 2018

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Photo: Crooked Books

These past few weeks have challenged the state where I find myself emotionally.

Am I really in position to find professional satisfaction? Some days work beats you to the ground. Everyone tells me living through this job will payoff, but I’m anxious if it doesn’t.

If I don’t move beyond, what happens then?

While agonizing about work I’m struggling with what I want in my free time. How do I balance my career with hobbies, dating, socializing, and everything else?

Sometimes I don’t know what my hobbies are or what I’m good at.

Last weekend I felt fine with spontaneity spending time with friends, family, and someone I care about romantically.

Maybe I can discover a state where I can unwind when I’m not working.

Recently I can’t define what I’m working towards. Even if my career progresses will that satisfy me? I fear it won’t. Finding a purpose will undo my distress.

This woman seems like a solution but only when she’s here. Living on opposite sides of the country nullifies any potential relationship.

Dating other women didn’t work. I’m not compatible with them and inevitably I think of her.

I don’t believe in fate yet a time could come where she and I can couple. In the meanwhile I focus on situating my career.

Feels like a perfect fantasy but that’s years in the making and a lot can change.

Focusing on finding happiness on my own first will open the door to romantic fulfillment.

I miss making music. My enthusiasm for sounds emitting dormant emotions within me has never left.

On Friday I jammed with Greg and we struggled making headway. Not his or my fault. There’s void in my skill and what I want to contribute. I need to spend time establishing my current voice.

Let me speak to where I am now, how this year holted a hopeful individual at the end of 2017, and relinquishing the last bit of withheld grief.

I’m learning there’s more fruition in life beyond making money and professional status. There’s still solace for that in this space.

Halfway 2018

I’m sad to say since starting my new job I don’t think about music as much as last year. At least not in the same way. I had more time on my hands before. Since transitioning to my new employer I spend most of my time working and the remaining hours planning how to use the rest of my time effectively.

Listing a top 10 right now would be difficult. I could rustle up a great list of singles. Beyonce and Jay Z’s “APESHIT” will remind me of this summer forever, reveling in my life accomplishments. Drake’s Scorpion had several memorable singles, most of which came out before its release. Nas and Kanye made a banger out of “Cop Shot The Kid” despite its timely subject.

Code Orange’s singles have feed off Forever’s continued success. Incredibly clever to give fans little bites of new music while they’re having their moment. They’ll face tall expectations on their follow-up.

Hundredth did the same thing with Ultrarare, a dark new wave remix album. I could get away with playing tracks off of it at Blonde Bar (SD reference). Oso Oso’s new single fits nicely on my summer playlist. I’d kind of forgotten about them, but a good single can serve as a great reminder.

Most of the albums I held expectations for entering this year I never got to or were just disappointing. Dance Gavin Dance’s Artificial Selection didn’t grab me like Mothership. I realize they have a style, constant throughout their discography, but this one didn’t stand part enough. Perhaps with time it’ll catch my fancy.

Parkway Drive’s Reverence alienates me further from the band. They still look incredibly energetic live and the audience still responds emphatically, but I feel nothing for their latest project. I could say the same for The Plot in You’s DISPOSE and Kurt Travis’s new band Royal Coda.

Still haven’t heard new albums from oOoOO, Turnstile, or Turbonegro, yet. Frankly I haven’t been in the mood to listen to those records.

Electrum Photography

I’m more excited for what’s to come this fall. Uniform’s third LP The Long Walk drops August 17th. “The Walk” smashes atoms like nuclear fission. Wake in Fright made my top ten last year and I expect similar quality this year. There’s more material for them to attack with everything that’s gone on in America. Gun violence is soooo last year.

In September, Fit for a King and Revocation embark on headlining tours to support their new albums.

Two years ago Deathgrip nearly topped my annual list. “The Price of Agony” and “Tower of Pain” singles offer both blackening brutality and uncompromising radio metal. These are the best elements FFAK offer: savage pit inspiring breakdowns and moments of festival level callbacks. I’m looking forward to working out when Dark Skies comes out September 14th.

In back to back years Revocation had two of the best albums of those years. David Davidson’s reputation as a generational guitarist keeps building with each release. For me, he’s emerging into James Hetfield/Dimebag level kick ass riffs.

I didn’t enjoy their last outing as much but my intuition says The Outer Ones contends for a spot on my list this year, which drops on September 27th.

Perhaps the release I’m anticipating most is Fiends’ debut album Me Time. I reached out to the band but there’s no set date yet. They’re probably waiting for their unannounced label. Check out their singles “Keep Me in The Dark” and “700 Club” on YouTube.

Metalsucks perfectly described Fiends as a Lamb of God and Tool hybrid. Bassist/singer James Hyde sings a bit like Maynard James Keenan and screamer Garrett Moore reminisces of Randy Blythe; however, in bridges and outros the band stylistically shifts to Rise Records post-hardcore. Those singles have a great mix of “pop” heavy music and universally accepted metal.

As I acclimate to my new job my mood should shift back into exploring new albums. I look forward to the rest of this year and hope you’ll enjoy some of these releases.