Tag: Work

2.25.18

Sanka-hakuu

When I see a certain name(s) resurface I never know how I’ll react. Fortunately I can get over it easier now but negative responses still occur. I had one such event this week leading me to ask should I leave people blocked on Facebook? Should I privatize my social media globally? And should I feel like a butthurt coward?

I still feel resentful towards a certain person but I guess that’s ok. They hurt me and that’s how I defend my sensitivity. My roommate provided confirmation and support. I don’t want certain people seeing what I’m up to and even just their name makes me uncomfortable.

Certainly shouldn’t fall victim to the Voldemort Effect and by writing about them, her, the scars seem to fade even more. I refuse to mention them by name partly from personal fear. Also their names deserve no spotlight. Still, it flusters me to get so bothered by certain names, especially hers. I hate how it has some power against me.

Even so there’s little reason to give it so much thought. My wish is to someday see her name and not even flinch. Perhaps not even notice it there. Optimistically those names will bare no relevance because I appreciate the joys and desires I daydream about, some of which are coming true.

I never really thought I would be close with my parents but we’re closer than ever. I cherish them more than ever and regret having ever despised them. I’m dating and finding my confidence. There’s still some work to do there but I need to find synergy with patience. None of my ambitions will come true by forcing them.

The current situation I find myself in seems perfect. Maybe in a few years I’ll realize how lucky I was during this time.

 

A Little Weary

635967894019502250-636955972_1

Today wore me out, despite not doing much of anything. After this work meeting with some important people I felt drained. It mostly has to do with resigning from my employer yesterday, effective end of next week. I struggle finding the words for the feel I have, especially with how certain people didn’t know of my resignation.

I’m tired. Can’t explain why. As excited as I am to begin a new journey elsewhere, I’m disappointed my career couldn’t have continued here. Personally, I had proven and achieved so much, yet the opportunities I wanted weren’t there. Nothing is guaranteed, and no one can predict the future.

Despite despondency there’s so much to take stock of. I took control of my destiny professionally. I turned my experience into a refreshing and stimulating opportunity to build upon what I have learned and built on my personal resume.

Ultimately I’m not where I want to be and taking a chance on something new and unknown was the move I needed right now.

No one knows where I will be in a year but I’m invested in learning and immersing myself in this new job and its comprehensive training. They really wanted me and I want to be wanted in life, professionally, socially, whatever.

Maybe it’s relief of all those feelings about my now old job finally dispersing. Talking about it in the past tense dampens me. When it’s all you’ve known for two years, my first full time job, and you contextualize everything from before and during this job, leaving and acknowledging this job’s end makes me grieve for it a bit.

I have zero bitterness for this job, or anyone there. This job let me live on my own for the first time. I got a car and traveled to Japan thanks to this place. I’ll always be grateful to them and those who helped me along the way.

Thanks to them I experienced enough to take a chance on something new. What I will miss the most are those whom I worked closely with for two years. I will miss the professional and personal connections made grinding out great work together. More than anything that’s what I’m bummed about leaving behind.

Now I put this behind me now. I needed to expel these thoughts. With the end nearing I shift my focus succeeding at my new job and remaining committed to my goals.