Work – Disaesthetic

Welcome to Dryden

After 12 hours of delay, $60 in Uber rides, and whole day of wasted vacation I made it to Ithaca.

We spent Sunday hanging out at home with quick into town for breakfast and warmer coat for me to sport while I’m here. The drastic difference in weather bewilders me. It’s been snowing all day, yet it’s bearable conditions for the community.

The cold immediately whips your face when you step outside. My nose felt like it was cracking Saturday night waiting for my ride to fetch me. Thankfully I’m here and enjoying my vacation far, far, away from work with my girlfriend. Last night was nice just hanging out playing Pokémon while she finished some work.

She goes to class during the day which allows me time, and no excuses, to scrub down my to-do list. Hanging out on a university campus and atmosphere influences some working honesty.

At home I get distracted so easily. I find ways to waste a whole day doing nothing I’m proud of. I’ll have time for productivity and fun this week.

Comfort at Home

My goal is to feel ready to go back to work and face the rest of the year by the time Friday morning rolls around. I need to set some short term goals for the next few months along with some longer term, perhaps, life goals.

I met with a team lead from a department I’m interested in working last week. We had a really nice conversation and hit it off really well. I keep find I’m kindred spirits with each person I met from the group. The phrase came up again with her, unsolicited too.

It seems like a fit but how do I break through the barrier?

The key is to not get ahead of myself and start imagining working there full-time. First just get some exposure, if possible. Shadow over there first. Make sure it’s something I want to do while at the same time making a contingency plan with my supervisor.

My primary goal this year is to advance beyond my current position and department.

Ideally I can get on this urgently, fresh from vacation, when I return home. Finally I feel a bit of clarity in wake of floundering through a gloomy fog.

There’s a long list of albums I’ve started to eat through while typing my hopes and dream away.

Gave Artificial Selection another chance before going to Swanfest next month. It’s much better than I remember. I got burnt out on Dance Gavin Dance after I went on a 6 month bender with them. Collected 3 LPs and saw them twice in that time.

This version of the band found its best formula on Mothership stepping up tablature heat index on this outing.

Saying it’s more of the same is a bit dismissive, yet it’s no different from when I roll down to my taco shop and order the same shit every time. Carne Asada fries always taste great and never surprise me with declining flavor.

I’d have to ask for something new, and unknown, for a fresh experience, which I won’t ask of them or DGD.

Similarly Parquet Courts developed a popular sound receiving more publicity with Wide Awake! They’ve released 6 albums yet I only found them last year. Originally from New York City, their taste for 70’s art rock isn’t all too surprising except for the briefness in which it’s done.

Call it post-punk, garage rock, whatever, they’ve dialed into an easily understood rock sound which elicits movement. The guitar distortion sounds purposely lofi for an artsy aesthetic but serves to energize, not overwhelm, the funky rhythms.

While it’s definitely a hipster’s delight, I don’t see myself listening to Wide Awake! again; however, I find the funk and art rock arrangements vibe with my city lifestyle. It’s a soundtrack for city folk like me.

On my way over to Ithaca I rolled through Crystal Lake’s Helix and Czarface Meets Ghostface while playing Pokémon. I’m debating reviewing Helix or taking another approach in blogging my thoughts.

People don’t generally read album reviews anymore so how do you engage people to both hear the subject and find substance in your words? Perhaps this requires help from Jake and Andrew. Thoughts for another day.

I really enjoyed bobbing along Czarface’s album almost completing a second run on the plane. So fucking tired of the saturation of trap beats and mumble rap. Far more repetitive, and tiresome, sound motifs reoccur in trap than in metalcore. Fight me.

Again, another day for that. Remembering I’m actually on vacation I need to enjoy myself everyday, not just work. There’s enough time for both.

Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.

Stories of Fall

Photo: Malachi

Staring at the blank screen after weeks of not writing reminds me of middle school algebra, unable to solve simple equations. The first sentence takes me 5 to 10 minutes until I feel like it’s good enough for me to move on.

The last few months feel like those agonizing minutes yet have breezed by like the rest of 2018. It’s almost my 1 year anniversary at work, I’m hoping to go on vacation early next year, and my ambitious career outlook still remains at the top of my priorities.

Sometimes it’s the only reason I wake up. My current job feels like a stepping stone, yet the days take their mental toll.

My support system always stresses patience, positive mental attitude, and a little amnesia: one work day at a time.

Being sick over the last few weeks certainly hasn’t helped. I’m looking forward to my first day at full health performing at a high level, for my own confidence.

Working in customer service drains the soul sometimes. If anything it’s perfect insight to how we truly treat each other in society.

Enough about work, overall I made great decisions in regards to my career this year. I’m in a better position now more than ever. Thankful for where I am.

Halloween 2018

I’ve had some fun adventures recently. The weekend before Halloween hung around the Wicked Village downtown. My roommate, our friends, and I fully enjoyed the costumes; we encountered a herd of Bob Rosses, played BP with deluxe trash bins, and danced to whatever EDM was played.

One of the perks of living in the city, despite its impossible parking and inflated prices, endures through unlimited freedom of lifestyle.

When life feels stagnated I can use my surroundings to remind myself what my hours at work have bought me. I can eat whatever strikes my mood of the moment. If I want to meet family and friends for dinner and/or drinks they all want to come down to my neighborhood. I’m fortunate to afford such luxuries.

Each year I feel more appreciative than ever. This year has risen my level of gratitude. I’m not just lucky but I’ve also earned what I have through determination and drudgery. As I start to realize this fact my confidence will grow.

Confidence, that’s the missing word lately. It’s the catalyst to improve all aspects of life.

After feeling super congested, lethargic, and weak over the past two weeks I’m hopeful I’ll be close to 100% tomorrow. I’ll have a strong work day and head into the weekend on a high note.

The next few weeks could help me get on a groove. It’s the holiday season. I’ll get a few days off here and there, but even more importantly see friends and family. Some important people are coming home from across the country and sea.

My friend Japan is coming home. The last time he was home we arrived at Gossip just in time for the new year. He and I have too many past due adventures on our list.

There’s one more friend coming home after new years hopefully. I (sometimes) purposely don’t name individuals. Leave you a little vague. You don’t need to know everything but listen to this song.

I don’t need to tell you anything else.