Tag: struggles

Late Night Thought Experiment

I’m getting lost in my head. I’m resisting cigarettes but I could resist getting a late night treat. I look you up because a part of me misses you. Another part despises you and I want to out-achieve you. I’m the spiteful snake. 

All I wanna do now is run a mile to catch up with you. I’m going hiking in the morning. Remember I was the one that took you on your first hike, run, to the gym? You forgot that pretty quickly. You forgot who I am. Unfortunately I forgot who I was too. I lost myself for a while. I’m finding the new me now. 

The new me is trying to stop depending on cigarettes as a crutch. The new me is establishing himself at work. Staring from the bottom and now I’m laying the foundation for a business operation. The new me wants to lose this weight that holds back my confidence in myself. The new me wants to be someone.

There’s still plenty of old me. I’m still more dedicated than you. I will never quit. I’m dedicated to my craft. I’ve added my best qualities to my new ones. I’ve learned forgiveness. I love my family. I forgive my parents. I forgive my father. I feel empathy for him. I forgive myself for hurting you, losing you. I forgive myself for feeling the way I did for your half. I thought it was all my fault for so long. We share responsibility equally. 

I don’t know but you probably blame me for everything. Whatever makes you get through. None of that matters to me anymore. I care about making it at work. Moving up above where everyone thought I go. I feel like Tom Brady. I’m the fucking best yet everyone doubts me. Draft in the sixth round, no one expects anything of me. I will be the best decision my organization has ever made. 

My goal is to achieve through dedication and persistence. I’m the most attractive or the smartest. I’m not the strongest nor the best at most things but no one will out work me or out last me. When I finally meet someone they will see me and they won’t quit on me. I don’t quit on love. I’ve had to learn a lot about love over the last few years but I’ve come a long way. 

I’ll obtain all my goals and show anyone who doubted me, abandoned me, they were wrong. I’m better than what you thought. I’m supreme and you’re not like me. You don’t deserve my presence and that motivates me to prove myself everyday. 

Encinitas

Every time I come back up to Encinitas nervousness comes over me. It’s like a drug addict going back to the place(s) where years of abuse occurred. You’re suppose to stay away from those places. There’s too many memories that may trigger a relapse. Every time I travel up to Encinitas I have to push back depressive feelings. 

My greatest fear is running into my ex. I almost ran into her dad today. I was leaving a grocery store. I promised myself I would go certain places. I thought this one was safe. Walking out I saw him coming. I saw him and just walked to my car. I’m sure he saw me but thankfully avoided him. 

I must still be hurt. I don’t miss her. I miss who she was or what we had but I want nothing to do with her. Nothing to remind me. The fear I talked about comes from feeling a lot of emptiness lately. I’d really like to be with someone again but I have a lot of confidence issues. I have a lot of self doubt.

This week I’m making the kind of progress I’ve been hoping for.  I worked out 4 times this week, making more career progress, I haven’t smoked since Monday, and I’ve been improving with my eating. I feel like if I can really lose weight, change my body, and reach the career status I’m knocking on the door of I’ll build the confidence I need to try to meet someone. 

I need to try even if I don’t see a relationship or something going any kind of place. I just want to try and have some success for the day I meet someone again. 

I’m taking the steps I need. I ordered a journal to help me reach my goals at work, in the gym, and next with relationships. I focus too much on my own negatives. I need to see my positives and show them. I know, I believe, someone will see and appreciate me. 

They’ll see my dedication. They’ll see I am strong willed. I’ll show them when I commit I don’t quit until I’m forced out or I die, and I’m not dead. I was pretty close last year but I’m still here. I’m the best version of myself. Just wait and see when I reach my envisioned goal.