Every time I see you I wanna ask you to come over and watch South Park with me. I know you like In-N-Out and I’d get some for both of us. I don’t even know if you like South Park. I just want you to see me as I am when I laugh. Maybe you’ll like how I am privately. Perhaps we can spend time together. Maybe we’ll like it. Every time I see you, I dream about what it would be like to hang out with you.
It’s been on my mind since Jake told me about a night had with a friend. I used to be friends with this person but that’s another story. He told Jake my ex talked shit about me. I was obviously a little bothered by this. I haven’t talked shit about her to other people I don’t see often. Jake himself even said I don’t talk shit about her to them.
It’s just odd she’d go around saying whatever she said. Jake offered to tell me what was said but I refused. It doesn’t even matter what she said. It’s just sad. Get over it. You left me lol. I’m over it. Why even say anything? It’s been almost two years. I’ve moved on. Shit last week was a testament to that.
I appreciate where I’ve come from since you and more importantly before you. Since all of that I’ve built the version of myself I wanted. Someone also expressed to me they liked the old and new version of me. Last week I came through the clutch professionally and personally. I like myself, finally. Someone else likes me too now.
I am where I want to be. Why say anything about me anymore? What do you care? Why? It’s over. Leave me alone and keep my name out your mouth for good. I’ll continue keeping yours out of mine.
I’m losing my mind. I think it’s just staying up here too long. I was daydreaming about achieving marriage and fatherhood. I don’t know why I have this urge to commit myself for life to someone or have children. My therapist said was a hopeless romantic. Maybe so but I want those things. Those dreams fulfill something in me. I’m a child of divorce. Perhaps I’m trying to rewrite the narrative of my upbringing.
I love kids which makes that dream easy to have. I want my kids to have their father for as along as I’m here. My fathers weren’t always there nor the best. I will show my kids I love them. I’ll tell them and I’ll be there until my life ends.
I think being with someone will fulfill me in ways I can’t fulfill now. I’ve been fortunate to have intimacy since being single but it’s not the same. I don’t feel what I felt before. I have a lot of ideas and few opportunities to share company but doesn’t mak me happy. Maybe momentarily but not for long.
For now I’ll day dream. I’ll work hard at work. Grind at the gym. Resist my urges for bad food and cigarettes. I can feel I’m on the cusp of a turn around because I’m tried of feeling unfulfilled and as happy as I could be and will be!
Disaesthetic 