struggles – Page 3 – Disaesthetic

Anniversary Anxiety

It’s almost been two years since some momentous events occurred in my life. I started with my employer and thanks to that opportunity I’ve been able to live comfortably. I got to go to Japan this year, bought a new car, go out whenever I want, and buy whatever discretionary thing I want. Unfortunately two years ago I also went through a pretty painful break-up. I’m still trying to pick up some of the pieces. Thankfully I’m over her and I’ve overcome a lot of the personal trauma that came with the disfunction.

It took longer than I would have liked but time is relative. Looking back I started a reconstructive path rather quickly. Where I’ve fallen short however remains in meeting someone new. I’ve had the fortune of meeting some new woman this year. One I really liked. Most of those however didn’t come from going out and meeting someone. This coming year I need to stay committed to the gym along with going out, even on my own. It may be better to go on my own too.

One personal self improvement I’m proud of this year stands in my discipline to plan. I may have mentioned the Best Self journal before. It’s amazing how much it’s helped me put pen to paper, remember what I need to do, organize my life. I still have room for improvement as far as staying on top of my planning and keeping committed to my plans. I can be proud of how I’m tracking my progress towards my goals.

If I’m not working out like I plan I make sure to focus on it in my journal. I write about opportunities for improvement and what I could do better. It’s helpful to write down all of these events and ideas to reflect on later. Sure, I use my phone calendar to book reminders. I’ve experimented with journal/planner apps but I’m probably the last of generation that still prefers writing down plans.

Early this year I made a goal of focusing on date. My primary idea of making that happen would be in trying to go out on my own. Sit at a nice bar on my own. Go to Balboa Park and museums. Maybe go to the beach. Hike more on my own. I know it can work but I’m also afraid due to my lack of confidence. I’m also the kind of person that needs to feel in control of those types of situations. I need to feel prepared, but meeting someone new out in the world always seems to happen by chance. You’ll never be able to plan for that.

Next year my hope is to meet somebody and make a connection. Orchestrate situations where I give myself a chance make contact. If last year was about standing up again, this year was about learning how to thrive on my own. It’s hard not to grade myself harshly but I’m proud where I am now. I have more goals to meet. I’d like to advance professionally and contribute to my organization at a higher level than I’m at now. I believe I can make difference. Hopefully they see that and present opportunities within the company.

It’s been a good year. Time went by fast. I enjoyed many new experiences. Hopefully more adventures will come along and further galvanize my life. I’ve made so many excuses through fear. If I don’t exhaust my ambition for something I won’t get to enjoy those fortunes. As this anxious anniversary passes by I’m reminded of my reluctance to accept the loss of someone who was in my life everyday. Don’t let regret consume time for revel.

Something I Herd

I listen to Colin Cowherd almost everyday after work. In his daily “Opening Rant” Cowherd usually shares a personal anecdote to relate to one of many sports headlines of the day. Today he went in on Kevin Durant’s recent public exposure he’s still sore about his time in Oklahoma City. Quick back story, Durant was caught using “ghost” social media accounts to argue with trolls and detractors. Colin wasn’t “perplexed” by Durant’s behavior and I wasn’t either after his argument.

We learned last summer of deep personal discontent between Durant and Russell Westbrook and the rest of the Thunder organization. Everyone got exposure to what Durant likely wanted private. Cowherd related Durant’s public scrutiny to a public divorce. There’s a new chip on his shoulder and desire to prove sports fans and media wrong about his decision. Kevin has nothing to prove. He won a championship, was the best player in that Finals, and solidified himself as one of the best to ever do it.

Durant’s not unique among other greats though. Cowherd used a favorite NFL Film’s clip of mine. Tom Brady, now a five time champion, wept when asked about the day he was drafted. I stamp this as Exhibit A for why Brady stands as the great quarterback ever. Even now, and then too, falling to pick # 199 vexes his core. It’s helped motivate five Super Bowl victories and a wealthy life. I look and think about his story a lot, personally.

I’ve never written this publicly. My biological father gave up his parental rights to me when my parents divorced. Did you read that? I said gave up, not terminated, which is the proper/legal phrasing. I still feel like he gave me up. Now I’ve forgive him but never told him that. I may never tell him. We haven’t talked in over five years. I don’t know why he did it and at this point I honestly don’t want to know.

He was probably 27 or 28 years old, not much older than, and he fucked up. I fuck up, all the time. He made a mistake. It doesn’t justify it for me but I understand he fucked up. He was young and I’m certain it’s probably his biggest regret. While I’m really proud of myself for forgiving him and moving forward I cannot deny it still infuriates me. Like Brady and Durant, I’m bigger and better than my scars but they’re always there and I’ll never forgot the shame and abandonment I felt.

Those negative feelings have motivated my personal success more than anything else. I’m just being honest. It almost disgusts me how adverse my motivation is, but it’s taken me to places I didn’t think climb to. A therapist told my mom and dad (stepdad) how lucky they were I was on the trajectory you’d want your kid. Looking back on my school days I can see some many classmates and former friends that never escaped the emotional rut of a broken home or simply themselves.

Like Cowherd, we’re both children of divorce. I think there’s something about the abandonment and failed marriage, for me, that changes you forever, like leaving an everlasting crater. When that pain comes back through bad parenting, friends cutting you off, and girlfriends leaving you I’ve struggled to overcome those… I call them failures. They’re really disappointments and learning experiences but some side of me, perhaps my ego, sees them as failures.

With every “failure” comes a new challenge to rise up and overcome. I’ve made it. It took longer than I would have liked but I did it. The hardest hurt to get over was a break up. Seems like lifetimes ago. It’s negative and positive at the same time. I unfortunately compare myself and measure where I am in life. Conversely it’s pushed me to succeed where I didn’t think I could. I hope in achieving my goals I can leave behind abandonment once an for all.

What I herd today from Colin made me see I can put my pain to rest. I’ve committed myself to lose weight, and I have. I’m making progress in my career to climb up where I want to create my best work.

Kick It Sunday

OAKLAND RAIDERS PRACTICE

First Sunday of the NFL 2017 season is here. My fantasy line ups stand ready. I’m confident in my teams this year. I have a few question marks, wait and see’s, however I expect a strong year in both leagues again. The Choose One, Derek Carr and my Oakland Raiders face their equals in the humble Marcus Mariota and the Tennessee Titans at 10 AM (PST). This week couldn’t end any better. Next week couldn’t start any better.

The last few weeks have challenged my patience and confidence in myself. I just need to remember to keep faith in myself. Don’t underestimate myself. Don’t under sell myself. Keep believing in my personal and professional goals. Continue doing the right things, even when no one sees it or appreciates it. I have a huge ego which I need less of. Don’t get in my feelings all the time. It’s a strength and a weakness. I need to make sure I use the strong side of that sword, and avoid the dull side.

Today I’m taking the opportunity to enjoy some football, see the glass is half full, not empty, and appreciate the things I have now. Look forward to realizing my dreams. Have more patience with my fantasy teams, The Raiders, my career, my personal life. Learn when things don’t go how I want them to get frustrated so easily. Don’t give up, be persistent for things I want. They say life’s too short, but there’s so much life still left to live. Start enjoying it more and often. Life is too short not to take every opportunity to experience it but long enough to avoid living in your short comings.