struggles – Page 2 – Disaesthetic

Oblique Angles

The Jousters by Alexander Calder

I’ve been going through something lately. The void of loneliness hit me hard this week. Maybe it’s smoking cigarettes catching up to me. I got through three days without it. Today feels easier. Yesterday was the hardest. I felt the most alone. Visited The Getty before seeing Pianos Become The Teeth. It’s a beautiful museum. I only spent about two hours or so there but I’d make a day of it next time.

Hopefully I won’t go on my own again because it seemed like I was the only one who went solo. I’m missing companionship, as usual. I have friends but I’m pretty bad at making new ones. It feels like I have no one, despite a wonderful family and some great friends. I’d like to have Bro Gang back together but we’re all spread out. The older we get it’s more likely we’ll settle down in our current circumstances.

When I went to therapy it was suggested I try MeetUp to find new friends and hobbies. I’m too insecure. I make all the right excuses to avoid the unfamiliar but I’m running out of alibis. Whatever procrastination and loafing about after work hasn’t worked. I’m bored and alone, and when I’m dull I smoke.

Fresco with the Arrival of Io in Egypt

Today I’ve kept the urge at bay and thought more clearly. I’ve concluded there’s a need for socializing in my free time that doesn’t involve any kind ambition to achieve something. Everything I do involves some kind of goal, even if it’s not immediately apparent. Even when I player guitar I wonder if I can eventually make an album or possibly shows again. I don’t need to burden myself like that.

Perhaps I’m looking to mingle while doing something of no consequence. Maybe that’s how I’ll make a new friend or meet someone meaningful. I keep changing my mind about dating. I crossed paths with someone a few months ago but unfortunately she’s too far away and there’s likely no future. I daydream sometimes what it would be like if she was here permanently.

I also try avoiding thinking about her like that. We have different lives on opposite coasts of the country. At the same time I don’t know what I want most of the time, except maybe what I fantasize about. Maybe it’s unhealthy to think about her, but it gives me hope at the same time. Either way I need to get outside more, not just physically.

My time is freeing up a bit now. I’m settling into my new job and my eyes have set on career advancement. Now I just need to add social interaction to my schedule once or twice a week.

A Little Weary

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Today wore me out, despite not doing much of anything. After this work meeting with some important people I felt drained. It mostly has to do with resigning from my employer yesterday, effective end of next week. I struggle finding the words for the feel I have, especially with how certain people didn’t know of my resignation.

I’m tired. Can’t explain why. As excited as I am to begin a new journey elsewhere, I’m disappointed my career couldn’t have continued here. Personally, I had proven and achieved so much, yet the opportunities I wanted weren’t there. Nothing is guaranteed, and no one can predict the future.

Despite despondency there’s so much to take stock of. I took control of my destiny professionally. I turned my experience into a refreshing and stimulating opportunity to build upon what I have learned and built on my personal resume.

Ultimately I’m not where I want to be and taking a chance on something new and unknown was the move I needed right now.

No one knows where I will be in a year but I’m invested in learning and immersing myself in this new job and its comprehensive training. They really wanted me and I want to be wanted in life, professionally, socially, whatever.

Maybe it’s relief of all those feelings about my now old job finally dispersing. Talking about it in the past tense dampens me. When it’s all you’ve known for two years, my first full time job, and you contextualize everything from before and during this job, leaving and acknowledging this job’s end makes me grieve for it a bit.

I have zero bitterness for this job, or anyone there. This job let me live on my own for the first time. I got a car and traveled to Japan thanks to this place. I’ll always be grateful to them and those who helped me along the way.

Thanks to them I experienced enough to take a chance on something new. What I will miss the most are those whom I worked closely with for two years. I will miss the professional and personal connections made grinding out great work together. More than anything that’s what I’m bummed about leaving behind.

Now I put this behind me now. I needed to expel these thoughts. With the end nearing I shift my focus succeeding at my new job and remaining committed to my goals.

Bitter, Bitter Red

bitterred

Over the last few days I’m coming to grips with some impending changes in my life. This year has emerged quickly. We’re into February already and I’m looking forward to events through April. In the next few days I may take a leap of faith I have never really taken before.

I’m scared yet ready to take a chance on a new opportunity. Bet on myself. A friends said I’m scared of new changes. To a degree yes, but I’m mostly afraid because I’m not in full command of the situation.

Maybe that’s why I struggle a bit socially. Unfamiliar situations make me uncomfortable initially. If I don’t feel confident in my knowledge of a situation, in the workplace or socially, I won’t know what to do. In some cases I completely reserve myself or come to regret whatever actions I take.

Bitterness is a prickly, prickly, thing. I’m seemingly fighting the same battle over and over again. At least I get over myself better today than I did two years ago.

Despite every negative or positive moment, since February 15th, 2016, one of the worst nights of my life, I’ve come so goddamn far. There’s no need to waste time worrying about past mistakes, regrets, or bitterness towards anything or anyone.

I’ve learned more than I can say about in just a few paragraphs. I take comfort in knowing I know close to nothing. Conversely it makes me nervous as hell, yet I take solace now in embracing the unknown. Jumping into the abyss has built my confidence, opened opportunities, and helped me meet someone wonderful.

Whatever happens over the next few days and weeks I carry no ill will. I’m so fortunate to find myself in this position two years later.