Tag: struggles

Lines Sway

Photo: Krista Mangulsone

Feels like I haven’t written a real post in years. I wrote a little piece about the Raiders earlier last year and wanted to write about the team every week; however, it fell by the wayside as I started taking a project management course and then the COVID-19 pandemic broke. The last twelve months have felt lost in some ways. In other ways it’s trimmed the fat and inefficiencies from my life, and shown me what I care about most.

Expending my energies on responsibilities, commitments, and activities that causes unhappiness needs to stop. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but there’s opportunity to stop wasting time and energy on frustrating and unpleasant matters. I’ve not made the most of the past twelves. Certainly tried various experiences and projects to varying results. Recently I stepped back from a newsletter I’d been making with some friends. I’m glad I tried the project but it was a miserable experience by the end.

I felt a little defeated and bummed after but I’m glad it’s over. Doesn’t change the fact I love music and discussing my amateur connoisseur music takes. This seems like the best space I have to share my thoughts the way I want, when I want, how I want, and about what I want. The format of these writings remains unclear at the moment but I wish to write about my current listening rotations, new and old songs/artists/albums, and commentary on my listening experience.

Occasionally I may comment on current, or past, music events and non-music events simply to stroke my curiosity. Either way I want to use this space again for my own benefit. Share with anyone who reads this what I’m listening to so they can experience the same tasty goodness my ears enjoy.

Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.

10.6.18

Recently I’ve reflected constantly about the direction of my life. What are my goals? Am I engaging on the right habits to meet those goals? Will those milestones fulfill me?

Some of my motivations come from such negative sources. I’m ready to shed some of these sore memories which have inspired progress but still leave me angry and weak. These goals need fuel from purity.

These goals whether personally or professionally should originate from what I want, not what I perceive society wants. I should want their benefits for the betterment of myself, not society.

I just wrote down some goals and how I plan to pursue them in my personal planner. One goal I didn’t have the space for was finding peace with some of my past. I was able to put my family issues behind me and as a result built up family as a strength. I need to put my relationships with people no longer in life behind me.

Whether it’s ex-girlfriends or people who I fell out with. Taking vindication in anything negative in their lives doesn’t heal old wounds. Maybe taking up meditation can help me detach from those feelings. I need some kind of tool to help me detach from those memories.

Time spent mulling over those people in the end leaves me lesser than I am. It’s not any of their doing. There’s no honor I have to defend or put out into the world. I need to forget it so I can live a more fulfilled life. There’s someone I care about romantically but lives across the country. We can’t have a real relationship in the near future, perhaps ever but I’m ready to wait it out for now.

I have so many of my own goals I want to meet on my own before I’m with someone again. Having a partner sounds incredibly comfortable right now. It’s been a long time I’ve felt embraced and that’s ok. It’s a want, finally not a need. I want to reach a place in my life professionally so I can invest in someone and love them.

I’ve thought a lot about my mistakes and the things I won’t accept from someone again. This person I’m attached to accepts me and wants to be accepted. There’s a liberation of the things I feel like I’m suppose to do. I don’t have to live up to some expectation someone else conceived. I think we just expect the person we’ve come to know.

I know I don’t care other than she seem to love me and I don’t wanna let that shit go. Only a few people will love you in your life. Even fewer will love unconditionally. That’s one thing that separate us. Real love is unconditional. Remember that.