Tag: Personal

It’s Been a While

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Photo by ZeroChan. I haven’t written here in a while. Last month was mostly about the football season taking off and the occasional updates in my vinyl collection. I’ve been a bit lazy updating since then. I’ve had things to say but not enough to give me the urge I have now to just type it out here. It’s been a couple of interesting weeks. Last weekend I visited Gund in Sac. The Punkindrublic festival with three fifths of Bro Gang equaled a great vacation and break from the world I live in. Once in a while I enjoy getting away from responsibilities and work to indulge in bliss. The older I get the more serious life becomes and even worse you’re just used to it.

This week I’ve been getting back to work on my goals. I’m really happy with my progress journaling everything in my Best Self book consistently. This tool helps me record my goal, which took me a while to concoct, write some steps and plans to reach my goals over 13 weeks. I have some basic goals but nothing too specific. Some include losing weight, getting a girlfriend, and moving up and beyond my current position at work. I don’t have a certain weight I want, I’m not sure who to quantitate milestones towards getting a girlfriend, and I’m not sure by what date I should be in a new role at work or at another employer. I have however made progress in each department.

I worked out three times last week after a rough prior two weeks. This week I’m going for three again plus a hike this weekend. My goal is to reach 5 times a week. It’s a bit daunting. I did it once last month but eventually I want to go back to back weeks and then a whole month. I know if I eat smart and workout consistently I’ll not only look how I want to look but also feel great too. That’ll help me emotionally have more confidence in myself. I can take pride in owning my body and having discipline. Take pride in doing this for myself on my terms, my way. I mostly hope it helps with women. I think I’m likable as is but if I can give them something better to look at while showing them I can take care of myself too, well, that’s the whole package I think. There’s also a satisfaction for me of consistently doing a task I hold myself accountable for. I’ve invested mentally and financially into this now and I’m working towards achieving.

Hopefully getting a better body will help with dating. I know it will at least help with some confidence. I just need a bit. Enough to just tell someone I’m really interested in them. I make a lot of excuses, some of which are legit, but really I should just go for it. A big thing I’ve learned today from some people I was interested in is to lower my expectations even more and move on when you feel done. I’ve spent a lot of energy on several people since being single and I shouldn’t. Lower my expectations and enjoy what I can but I need to get out there more and put myself in position to find someone who wants me as bad as I want them. I deserve it, and I’m tried of waiting. I’m ready for a girlfriend and hopefully a lifetime partner. I’m at least ready to try dating.

Work has been pretty good overall. There’s good commodore in the group now. When we first moved into our new building there was a lot of growing pains with me adapting to the new people I sit with. It took some time but we have a good vibe now and I’m really happy that worked out for the group. My Self Help book has kept me on target with my professional down to 30 minute segments of my day. I schedule my days and target my goals each day. It’s helped not only keep me on top of my work but also kept me engaged. I don’t get discouraged or frustrated very much anymore. I’m focused on taking the right steps towards building an impressive resume for when the right opportunity comes up, so I can pounce on the chance to elevate myself.

There’s a bunch of great shows coming up too. Tomorrow I’m seeing Wavves and Joyce Manor but I’m kinda disappointed in my co-working I’m going with. This seemed like a great opportunity to get to know her better, hang out before the show, but she’s busy before and admits she’s notorious for showing up late to shows. Maybe we’re not as good a fit as I thought. Like I mentioned before, I’ve learned I need to move on to something else if I don’t get the signs I’m looking for. Next week I get Real Estate with Checchia and hopefully Greg. There’s also Turnover next Friday and then the annual Halloween party the next day. I also have Black Star on Halloween, and Dance Gavin Dance and Julien Baker in December.

I have a lot of goals but this Best Self thing has helped me see my goals and helped develop them. It’s even helped me make new goals through making progress with my current ones. I had my last cigarette on our way home from Sacramento on Monday. I’ve been feeling pretty good since stopping and haven’t missed it. I hope by next Monday’s end I can claim a full week and then look for a whole month and then maybe forever. I think smoking has been a repellent to women. Maybe that’s why someone of the one’s I’ve been interested in don’t seem as interested in me. These things don’t make much sense to me but I hope to be surprised soon. I deserve something really special and real again. Someone else deserves what I can as a partner too.

Where We Are

Photo by Alex Brandon (AP). I’ve realized I haven’t credited all the amazing photos I use on this blog. For almost all my Raider photos I’ve gone to The Mercury News. After this weekend I think the country started realizing it’s looked past the unrest and divisions on display in professional football. I don’t need to repeat the narrative in detail. Colin Kaepernick brought attention to systemic racism in law enforcement last year by sitting and taking a knee during the national anthem. Since then some have taken that form of protest as an insult to the flag and service members. Those protesting and in support vehemently hold they have the utmost respect and only seek to bring attention to their issues with discrimination in America.

On Friday, Trump said “get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out, he’s fired. He’s fired!” This inflamed NFL players, owners, and fans to unite in protest. Teams sat together, kneeled together, and stood together. Trump unintentionally brought together players and owners who usually disagree on anything. Take out the motivations, I was glad to see Trumps negativity catalyze something positive. For myself, I’ll still stand for the pledge when I’m at a ball game. I did so when I saw the Dodgers take on the Padres earlier this month; however, I’m not offended by players participating in these peaceful protests. In fact I support and admire these actions.

Protest is as American as apple pie, bleeding red, white, and blue, and kickin’ ass. This is the best country in the world and I can say that with perspective. I wasn’t born here. I lived in another country for eight years of my life, and admittedly I didn’t have this opinion as soon as I got here. I still love Denmark, and it’s almost as good as America. As I mentioned, it took years to come around to this idea. It took a lot of heart break, turmoil, and maturation to become this firmly liberal North Park hipster that also proudly has the stars and stripes hanging in the living room. On Fourth of July, like Dale from King of The Hill, I’m so jacked up on America!

I love living here. There was a time in my life I didn’t and I thought about leaving. During my first two years I was unhappy and considered foreign exchange education. Going back to Denamrk was on the table. Thankful I got involved in an awesome band, fell in love, and most importantly this little group Bro Gang came around. I could have never had those things if I left. Some of my friends did leave and most look like they’ll never permanently return. Their reasons were different than my own but there’s something to be said when I know enough people that would rather live elsewhere.

I find it petty when friends, family, and strangers all pull the “if you don’t like Murika you can git out” card. It’s childish, unbecoming, and obvious sign of insecurity. They know this country isn’t perfect. They’d rather ignore these national problems. Guys, they’re protesting on the field because that’s the only time they can get your attention. Otherwise you’d still be in your bubble. I’ve found most say they don’t mind protesting yet they never like the setting. Again, most never seek to find out what’s going on in their communities or country. I include myself. I could do better too. And again would I kneel or sit, no, but I fully support these players because we’re finally hearing real conversation about Trump’s incompetence. I thank them for that.

Trump’s petulance is under a microscope and finally enough of us are scrutinizing him. New ESPN commentator Rex Ryan completely changed his tone on Trump. He support his candidacy with rallies and donations, and even he made his disappointment known. “I never signed up for that. I never wanted that” said Ryan when he spoke to his NFL Countdown colleagues. Even Tom Brady, perhaps the most famous athlete supporting Trump, said “I certainly disagree with what he said.” The tide turned against Trump’s filth yesterday, the best victory to come out of yesterdays games. He’s only strong when he’s dividing us. This weekend he brought us together.

More than ever we need to come together. Republicans are not bad people. Two of my best friends are steadfast republicans. I’m not sure how they feel about yesterday but I know they are not pleased with Trump right now. I hope we can come together after yesterday. I’ve wanted to spitefully remind them forever their party vote for this guy. I’m wrong and petty to do that. I want to put that behind us. I want to get past “she’s still worse than Trump, right?” and find unity. We have so many problems within and without America that need answers. It’s time to acknowledge we need to settle both social and economical problems that affect all of us. The best outcome of yesterday’s game came in the new potential for us to finally, as one, come together.

Something I Herd

I listen to Colin Cowherd almost everyday after work. In his daily “Opening Rant” Cowherd usually shares a personal anecdote to relate to one of many sports headlines of the day. Today he went in on Kevin Durant’s recent public exposure he’s still sore about his time in Oklahoma City. Quick back story, Durant was caught using “ghost” social media accounts to argue with trolls and detractors. Colin wasn’t “perplexed” by Durant’s behavior and I wasn’t either after his argument.

We learned last summer of deep personal discontent between Durant and Russell Westbrook and the rest of the Thunder organization. Everyone got exposure to what Durant likely wanted private. Cowherd related Durant’s public scrutiny to a public divorce. There’s a new chip on his shoulder and desire to prove sports fans and media wrong about his decision. Kevin has nothing to prove. He won a championship, was the best player in that Finals, and solidified himself as one of the best to ever do it.

Durant’s not unique among other greats though. Cowherd used a favorite NFL Film’s clip of mine. Tom Brady, now a five time champion, wept when asked about the day he was drafted. I stamp this as Exhibit A for why Brady stands as the great quarterback ever. Even now, and then too, falling to pick # 199 vexes his core. It’s helped motivate five Super Bowl victories and a wealthy life. I look and think about his story a lot, personally.

I’ve never written this publicly. My biological father gave up his parental rights to me when my parents divorced. Did you read that? I said gave up, not terminated, which is the proper/legal phrasing. I still feel like he gave me up. Now I’ve forgive him but never told him that. I may never tell him. We haven’t talked in over five years. I don’t know why he did it and at this point I honestly don’t want to know.

He was probably 27 or 28 years old, not much older than, and he fucked up. I fuck up, all the time. He made a mistake. It doesn’t justify it for me but I understand he fucked up. He was young and I’m certain it’s probably his biggest regret. While I’m really proud of myself for forgiving him and moving forward I cannot deny it still infuriates me. Like Brady and Durant, I’m bigger and better than my scars but they’re always there and I’ll never forgot the shame and abandonment I felt.

Those negative feelings have motivated my personal success more than anything else. I’m just being honest. It almost disgusts me how adverse my motivation is, but it’s taken me to places I didn’t think climb to. A therapist told my mom and dad (stepdad) how lucky they were I was on the trajectory you’d want your kid. Looking back on my school days I can see some many classmates and former friends that never escaped the emotional rut of a broken home or simply themselves.

Like Cowherd, we’re both children of divorce. I think there’s something about the abandonment and failed marriage, for me, that changes you forever, like leaving an everlasting crater. When that pain comes back through bad parenting, friends cutting you off, and girlfriends leaving you I’ve struggled to overcome those… I call them failures. They’re really disappointments and learning experiences but some side of me, perhaps my ego, sees them as failures.

With every “failure” comes a new challenge to rise up and overcome. I’ve made it. It took longer than I would have liked but I did it. The hardest hurt to get over was a break up. Seems like lifetimes ago. It’s negative and positive at the same time. I unfortunately compare myself and measure where I am in life. Conversely it’s pushed me to succeed where I didn’t think I could. I hope in achieving my goals I can leave behind abandonment once an for all.

What I herd today from Colin made me see I can put my pain to rest. I’ve committed myself to lose weight, and I have. I’m making progress in my career to climb up where I want to create my best work.