Personal – Page 4 – Disaesthetic

Oblique Angles

The Jousters by Alexander Calder

I’ve been going through something lately. The void of loneliness hit me hard this week. Maybe it’s smoking cigarettes catching up to me. I got through three days without it. Today feels easier. Yesterday was the hardest. I felt the most alone. Visited The Getty before seeing Pianos Become The Teeth. It’s a beautiful museum. I only spent about two hours or so there but I’d make a day of it next time.

Hopefully I won’t go on my own again because it seemed like I was the only one who went solo. I’m missing companionship, as usual. I have friends but I’m pretty bad at making new ones. It feels like I have no one, despite a wonderful family and some great friends. I’d like to have Bro Gang back together but we’re all spread out. The older we get it’s more likely we’ll settle down in our current circumstances.

When I went to therapy it was suggested I try MeetUp to find new friends and hobbies. I’m too insecure. I make all the right excuses to avoid the unfamiliar but I’m running out of alibis. Whatever procrastination and loafing about after work hasn’t worked. I’m bored and alone, and when I’m dull I smoke.

Fresco with the Arrival of Io in Egypt

Today I’ve kept the urge at bay and thought more clearly. I’ve concluded there’s a need for socializing in my free time that doesn’t involve any kind ambition to achieve something. Everything I do involves some kind of goal, even if it’s not immediately apparent. Even when I player guitar I wonder if I can eventually make an album or possibly shows again. I don’t need to burden myself like that.

Perhaps I’m looking to mingle while doing something of no consequence. Maybe that’s how I’ll make a new friend or meet someone meaningful. I keep changing my mind about dating. I crossed paths with someone a few months ago but unfortunately she’s too far away and there’s likely no future. I daydream sometimes what it would be like if she was here permanently.

I also try avoiding thinking about her like that. We have different lives on opposite coasts of the country. At the same time I don’t know what I want most of the time, except maybe what I fantasize about. Maybe it’s unhealthy to think about her, but it gives me hope at the same time. Either way I need to get outside more, not just physically.

My time is freeing up a bit now. I’m settling into my new job and my eyes have set on career advancement. Now I just need to add social interaction to my schedule once or twice a week.

Melancholy Relapse

Photo: Alison Scarpulla

I don’t write or read as often as I should. A lot has happened since last time. I bought Lords of The Realm a few weeks ago but I haven’t managed to spend much time with it. There’s always something to write about but I’ve lacked the energy and will.

Physically I haven’t been myself. I finally got over some major congestion this week but my stomach has felt weak. I haven’t worked out much these two weeks. While the rest feels necessary I don’t do anything productive or fulfilling. I feel guilty for not working out or doing something with the time that just opened up. It’s an odd conundrum.

Everything seems like a enigma lately. I stopped seeing someone I liked. I’d never made that decision before or told someone we were done. It obviously wasn’t fun but it was the right decision for me. Now I feel lonely again.

I’d like to be with someone but it doesn’t seem practical right now. My career feels far more important right now. Maybe I’m more afraid to try again, or my confidence feels a little diminished. Whatever it is I’m not trying right now. Perhaps I’m letting my career focus excuse me from trying to find someone. If I really wanted to find a partner and balance my priorities it’s not impossible. Certainly difficult but attainable.

My mom thinks I’m overexerting myself. She’s right. I’m going back to working out three times a week to give my body time to rest and open up my schedule. I spend too much time alone. I want to meet new people. Make new friends on my own.

As much resistance as I have to finding a mate, at the core of me, I want it to happen more than anything. When I meet the person who just fits by intuition, in some way I can’t foresee, that’s the moment to embrace those romantic dreams I have.

Reflecting on Q1 and NFL Jonesing

Damn. We’re almost a fourth of the way through 2018. “Time goes by faster when you’re older” said most of my elder counterparts. Seems more plausible each day. My obligatory happy new years social media post bragged this year would be “L I T” and so far that’s true but not how I expected.

I certainly did not think I would be leaving my old employer. I day dreamed of working their until retirement but now I’m somewhere new with the same dream. It doesn’t bother me it didn’t work out how I hoped. In general, those situations have less impact on me. I used to call them failures but now they’re just missed opportunities, dead ends, or avoided travesties.

The new job intrigues me everyday. I’m still in training and will be for a while but I made the right decision joining my new employer. Everything matches with me: the culture, co-workers, atmosphere, and genuine chance to grow my career. This opportunity has allowed me to grow as an adult too. I’m far more conscious of my finances in the present and future. They also push their benefits like perhaps continuing my education. I’m glad to have joined an organization that wants to invest in me.

I did expect to take better care of my body and mind. My diet has improved greatly. I can still clean up my cravings by minimizing my cravings during the week to just the weekend. Perhaps that will translate to not eating like a maniac in general. Spontaneous dinner dates or drinks throws me off the plan.

I’m allowing myself once a week day to accept someone’s invite out for dinner or drinks but I can’t let it affect the rest of my week. I kind of let myself go a bit this week. I only worked out three times and I was suppose to go hiking. Next week I’m planning on going five times like I’m suppose to. I’ve been going about 4 times a week lately which is really good but I need to go five times to really hit my goal of losing weight and remaining discipline with my plan.

Still I’ve started really strong this year physically. I look really good and my weight goals seem attainable now. Years ago I just thought I’d be fat forever and it was impossible to change. There’s nothing wrong with being overweight. People should live the way that makes them happy. For me, I was unhappy and I feel proud and confident for chipping away at my weight step by step.

Mentally and emotionally I have never been stronger or more resilient. I’m back to a place of peace and control I haven’t felt for a long time. It took two years to get to this place. Much the fear and shame I felt for a long time in general is evaporating. Dating and making new friends in life has proven that to myself. Those who hurt me in the past have no power over me now. No power. I feel strong enough to say no one can hurt. It’s probably not true but I don’t know of another time when I could say that.

Trey Burton (TE)

Well enough about my personal life, which has been glorious, the NFL season is inching closer and I’m jonesing for some football already. I wanted to write an exclusively NFL piece but I’m not sure I’m gonna have the time or energy to do it right. Today I have the energy. Allow me to stay on this roll.

This free agency season has me invested in teams that aren’t my own. Particularly The Chicago Bears and San Francisco 49ers. I started getting attached to the Bears last year when I used Tarik Cohen (RB) in both my leagues. They didn’t win a lot last year but just based on the changes they made with the coach staff and new players, even before the draft, this team should win eight games.

The additions of Allen Robinson (WR) and Trey Burton (TE) especially give me confidence of this team’s improvement. They should also get Cameron Meredith (WR) back too. I don’t care about Kevin White (WR). Mitch Trubisky (QB) has a proper armory now with a back field I already love. Burton hasn’t played much but when he started against the Rams last year he exploded for five catches, 71 yards, and two touchdowns. I used him in a league to replace Zack Ertz (TE) for the week.

Clearly the guy is a stud. Yes, it was only his first start and he has little experience. If he were sent to some random team I would not have this level of confidence but with the Bears he can be a top 10 fantasy tight end. His pedigree matches the situation in Chicago. New head coach Matt Nagy, like Doug Peterson, comes from the Andy Reid coaching tree. As just a humble fan and observer, this union seems perfect and should be incredibly fruitful. I’m excited about the Bears this year and possibly the following years.

Jerick McKinnon (RB)

I’ve been on the 49ers bandwagon since they got the Italian Stallion Jimmy Garoppolo (QB). If Belichick could have dumped Brady to keep Jimmy G, he would’ve, and rightfully so. I’m a fan of Tom Brady (QB) the football player despite of everything. He’s won five Super Bowls. Cry about it but he has’em. Whatever happened behind the scenes with The Patriots I’m excited to see a team lead by Jimmy G.

The Niners didn’t sit ideally by this off season. They equipped their team with blue chip players. One of my favorite players Richard Sherman (CB) left Seattle to join the Niners. Sherman obviously brings a lot of personality with him but also brings leadership and championship experience which this team, particularly the defense, sorely needs. He turns thirty years old next week and is coming off a major injury but I think he has several good years left. There’s no top tier receiver in his division which helps and I don’t think they expect him to play like a defensive MVP again. Likely they expect good play while helping them mature their defense.

Notably Weston Richburg (C) and Jerick McKinnon (RB) also joined signing huge deals with San Francisco. Richburg provides more depth on the offensive line to protect Jimmy. He’s regarded as an elite center and can play guard as well. They paid Richburg a shit ton but rightfully so. Deep overpowering offensive and defensive lines are the next most important parts of team construction after quarterback. They paid a lot but have purchased stability and safety for their most indispensable player, Jimmy Garoppolo.

McKinnon got overpaid a bit but I really like how he will fit into an elite offensive system under head coach Kyle Shanahan. McKinnon is an incredible athlete if you research his combine performance and could catch a lot of passes this year. With the Minnesota Vikings he played behind Adrian Peterson (RB) and last season rookie stud Dalvin Cook (RB) but during his playing time showed he’s the perfect running back for today’s death by a thousand paper cuts offenses. He’s the kind of player that can catch hundred passes if asked to.

I’m not too excited about my Raiders… They hired Jon Gruden, signed some old players, and wants to ” throw the game back to 1998.” Yeah… I’m a little worried this is going to be a fucking disaster but maybe he’s just trolling everyone. I have no idea what to make of my Raiders right now. I don’t even want to think about it. We’ll just have to see how the rest of the off season goes into the regular season.