Tag: Personal

Summer 2018

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Photo: Crooked Books

These past few weeks have challenged the state where I find myself emotionally.

Am I really in position to find professional satisfaction? Some days work beats you to the ground. Everyone tells me living through this job will payoff, but I’m anxious if it doesn’t.

If I don’t move beyond, what happens then?

While agonizing about work I’m struggling with what I want in my free time. How do I balance my career with hobbies, dating, socializing, and everything else?

Sometimes I don’t know what my hobbies are or what I’m good at.

Last weekend I felt fine with spontaneity spending time with friends, family, and someone I care about romantically.

Maybe I can discover a state where I can unwind when I’m not working.

Recently I can’t define what I’m working towards. Even if my career progresses will that satisfy me? I fear it won’t. Finding a purpose will undo my distress.

This woman seems like a solution but only when she’s here. Living on opposite sides of the country nullifies any potential relationship.

Dating other women didn’t work. I’m not compatible with them and inevitably I think of her.

I don’t believe in fate yet a time could come where she and I can couple. In the meanwhile I focus on situating my career.

Feels like a perfect fantasy but that’s years in the making and a lot can change.

Focusing on finding happiness on my own first will open the door to romantic fulfillment.

I miss making music. My enthusiasm for sounds emitting dormant emotions within me has never left.

On Friday I jammed with Greg and we struggled making headway. Not his or my fault. There’s void in my skill and what I want to contribute. I need to spend time establishing my current voice.

Let me speak to where I am now, how this year holted a hopeful individual at the end of 2017, and relinquishing the last bit of withheld grief.

I’m learning there’s more fruition in life beyond making money and professional status. There’s still solace for that in this space.

Midnight Cowboy

I keep telling myself to love someone like I used to. Find someone, wife them up and live in romance, but I keep finding myself unsatisfied. I’m smitten for a moment but my feelings evaporate the next moment. It’s happening again. She’s a sweet woman but I’m not letting it go any further. I’m having a difficulty clarifying why I can’t commit to her. I want to a relationship. Be with somebody. So why can’t I just go with it?

Maybe I need to stop trying for a while. I’ve used dating apps a lot over the past few months and met some woman. All them wonderful and sweet but I’m not smitten as a friend put it today. We were walking Torrey Pines State Preserve this morning and finding ourselves in the same place. Late twenties and single. Meeting many partners but not captured like we once were. Lovely people but couldn’t commit.

Perhaps I’ve become comfortable enough alone. I don’t know what it’s going to take for a relationship to happen. Happenstance seems more evident. I value my independence. Maybe I’m not ready to bring a woman into my personal life. I know I’m not ready for anyone to meet my parents and friends. I don’t desire to get that involved right now. I think I need to maintain my independence more than anything.

There are different priorities for me now. Career goals sit at the top. I will spend more of my free time after work taking professional courses online. I’m exploring going into a Master’s program to better my opportunities. When I narrow down what I want, right now, elevating myself to higher level of professional responsibility and income supersedes a girlfriend. For many reasons personal achievement supplants everything.

I’m not in love with any one I’ve dated recently. Some of them evoked me emotionally but not love the way I have loved before. That’s not their fault. They were all wonderful women and deserve all the happiness in the world. Unfortunately I’m not giving them that happiness. I don’t have it for myself yet. I’m still working on making myself happy. Finding out what that is for me and what will keep me happy right now.

5.19.18

Shifting with change in my life has never been easy. I started a new job in late February. It’s been about three months and the job still seems new. Most of my time has involved training. I feel a long way from making professional progress even though I need to accept this was a professional reset button. Funny, this HR representative from my old job made an insulting statement saying I was making a “career change” during my exit interview. While in a way true, it was like she was offended I was leaving the company. Obviously I left clean energy finance but there wasn’t much of a career working for them. When you get passed up too many times and knowing you’re worth it makes one realize it’s time to move on. I made the right decision but I’m facing some personal consequences.

This new job feels far more isolating. There’s no down time, and understandably I’m being paid to work. I’m happy to grind but I miss working with a team of people. I miss the camaraderie. I’ve made some new friends there and even gone out but it’s not like before. I don’t want to get too close to anyone. At my last employer I unfortunately burned some bridges and made some people upset. I also had to deal with truly dumb, spiteful, and Judas people. I’d rather show enough personality but remain mostly anonymous.

Working feels far more draining now. Maybe it’s learning so much new information. Perhaps it’s having to work much harder than before. I typically don’t have the energy to workout and do something socially after work. There’s a companionship void. I thought I had to prioritize work first but I think I need them equally. It can’t be healthy to work so much and so hard and feel equally alone. Just can’t go on like that for much longer. Meeting new women, even knowing most won’t work out, will keep me engaged and not as alone. Shit, maybe one of them will work. I’ve learned not to compromise the things I want the most: my professional career goals, what I want intimately, and how I want to be treat. The last person I was with briefly gave me some of that but not all of it. It hurt to end it but going on that way would have been worse.

There’s a lot I need, as I laugh out loud in my mind. Having someone care about me emotionally and physically would answer a lot of those needs. There’s a comfort to someone asking me how my day is going. There’s a feeling of fulfillment to being missed and desired. It was nice for a little while recently but I won’t concede my goals and what makes me happy. I hope to meet someone who shares the same vulnerabilities as me. Wants the same things as me for themselves. I don’t expect the next woman to work but I will try until I know if she will or won’t.