Every time I come back up to Encinitas nervousness comes over me. It’s like a drug addict going back to the place(s) where years of abuse occurred. You’re suppose to stay away from those places. There’s too many memories that may trigger a relapse. Every time I travel up to Encinitas I have to push back depressive feelings.
My greatest fear is running into my ex. I almost ran into her dad today. I was leaving a grocery store. I promised myself I would go certain places. I thought this one was safe. Walking out I saw him coming. I saw him and just walked to my car. I’m sure he saw me but thankfully avoided him.
I must still be hurt. I don’t miss her. I miss who she was or what we had but I want nothing to do with her. Nothing to remind me. The fear I talked about comes from feeling a lot of emptiness lately. I’d really like to be with someone again but I have a lot of confidence issues. I have a lot of self doubt.
This week I’m making the kind of progress I’ve been hoping for. I worked out 4 times this week, making more career progress, I haven’t smoked since Monday, and I’ve been improving with my eating. I feel like if I can really lose weight, change my body, and reach the career status I’m knocking on the door of I’ll build the confidence I need to try to meet someone.
I need to try even if I don’t see a relationship or something going any kind of place. I just want to try and have some success for the day I meet someone again.
I’m taking the steps I need. I ordered a journal to help me reach my goals at work, in the gym, and next with relationships. I focus too much on my own negatives. I need to see my positives and show them. I know, I believe, someone will see and appreciate me.
They’ll see my dedication. They’ll see I am strong willed. I’ll show them when I commit I don’t quit until I’m forced out or I die, and I’m not dead. I was pretty close last year but I’m still here. I’m the best version of myself. Just wait and see when I reach my envisioned goal.
Disaesthetic 