Tag: Personal

It’s been on my mind since Jake told me about a night had with a friend. I used to be friends with this person but that’s another story. He told Jake my ex talked shit about me. I was obviously a little bothered by this. I haven’t talked shit about her to other people I don’t see often. Jake himself even said I don’t talk shit about her to them. 

It’s just odd she’d go around saying whatever she said. Jake offered to tell me what was said but I refused. It doesn’t even matter what she said. It’s just sad. Get over it. You left me lol. I’m over it. Why even say anything? It’s been almost two years. I’ve moved on. Shit last week was a testament to that. 

I appreciate where I’ve come from since you and more importantly before you. Since all of that I’ve built the version of myself I wanted. Someone also expressed to me they liked the old and new version of me. Last week I came through the clutch professionally and personally. I like myself, finally. Someone else likes me too now. 

I am where I want to be. Why say anything about me anymore? What do you care? Why? It’s over. Leave me alone and keep my name out your mouth for good. I’ll continue keeping yours out of mine. 

I’m losing my mind. I think it’s just staying up here too long. I was daydreaming about achieving marriage and fatherhood. I don’t know why I have this urge to commit myself for life to someone or have children. My therapist said was a hopeless romantic. Maybe so but I want those things. Those dreams fulfill something in me. I’m a child of divorce. Perhaps I’m trying to rewrite the narrative of my upbringing.

I love kids which makes that dream easy to have. I want my kids to have their father for as along as I’m here. My fathers weren’t always there nor the best. I will show my kids I love them. I’ll tell them and I’ll be there until my life ends. 

I think being with someone will fulfill me in ways I can’t fulfill now. I’ve been fortunate to have intimacy since being single but it’s not the same. I don’t feel what I felt before. I have a lot of ideas and few opportunities to share company but doesn’t mak me happy. Maybe momentarily but not for long. 

For now I’ll day dream. I’ll work hard at work. Grind at the gym. Resist my urges for bad food and cigarettes. I can feel I’m on the cusp of a turn around because I’m tried of feeling unfulfilled and as happy as I could be and will be!

I’m getting lost in my head. I’m resisting cigarettes but I could resist getting a late night treat. I look you up because a part of me misses you. Another part despises you and I want to out-achieve you. I’m the spiteful snake. 

All I wanna do now is run a mile to catch up with you. I’m going hiking in the morning. Remember I was the one that took you on your first hike, run, to the gym? You forgot that pretty quickly. You forgot who I am. Unfortunately I forgot who I was too. I lost myself for a while. I’m finding the new me now. 

The new me is trying to stop depending on cigarettes as a crutch. The new me is establishing himself at work. Staring from the bottom and now I’m laying the foundation for a business operation. The new me wants to lose this weight that holds back my confidence in myself. The new me wants to be someone.

There’s still plenty of old me. I’m still more dedicated than you. I will never quit. I’m dedicated to my craft. I’ve added my best qualities to my new ones. I’ve learned forgiveness. I love my family. I forgive my parents. I forgive my father. I feel empathy for him. I forgive myself for hurting you, losing you. I forgive myself for feeling the way I did for your half. I thought it was all my fault for so long. We share responsibility equally. 

I don’t know but you probably blame me for everything. Whatever makes you get through. None of that matters to me anymore. I care about making it at work. Moving up above where everyone thought I go. I feel like Tom Brady. I’m the fucking best yet everyone doubts me. Draft in the sixth round, no one expects anything of me. I will be the best decision my organization has ever made. 

My goal is to achieve through dedication and persistence. I’m the most attractive or the smartest. I’m not the strongest nor the best at most things but no one will out work me or out last me. When I finally meet someone they will see me and they won’t quit on me. I don’t quit on love. I’ve had to learn a lot about love over the last few years but I’ve come a long way. 

I’ll obtain all my goals and show anyone who doubted me, abandoned me, they were wrong. I’m better than what you thought. I’m supreme and you’re not like me. You don’t deserve my presence and that motivates me to prove myself everyday.