Tag: me

A Little Weary

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Today wore me out, despite not doing much of anything. After this work meeting with some important people I felt drained. It mostly has to do with resigning from my employer yesterday, effective end of next week. I struggle finding the words for the feel I have, especially with how certain people didn’t know of my resignation.

I’m tired. Can’t explain why. As excited as I am to begin a new journey elsewhere, I’m disappointed my career couldn’t have continued here. Personally, I had proven and achieved so much, yet the opportunities I wanted weren’t there. Nothing is guaranteed, and no one can predict the future.

Despite despondency there’s so much to take stock of. I took control of my destiny professionally. I turned my experience into a refreshing and stimulating opportunity to build upon what I have learned and built on my personal resume.

Ultimately I’m not where I want to be and taking a chance on something new and unknown was the move I needed right now.

No one knows where I will be in a year but I’m invested in learning and immersing myself in this new job and its comprehensive training. They really wanted me and I want to be wanted in life, professionally, socially, whatever.

Maybe it’s relief of all those feelings about my now old job finally dispersing. Talking about it in the past tense dampens me. When it’s all you’ve known for two years, my first full time job, and you contextualize everything from before and during this job, leaving and acknowledging this job’s end makes me grieve for it a bit.

I have zero bitterness for this job, or anyone there. This job let me live on my own for the first time. I got a car and traveled to Japan thanks to this place. I’ll always be grateful to them and those who helped me along the way.

Thanks to them I experienced enough to take a chance on something new. What I will miss the most are those whom I worked closely with for two years. I will miss the professional and personal connections made grinding out great work together. More than anything that’s what I’m bummed about leaving behind.

Now I put this behind me now. I needed to expel these thoughts. With the end nearing I shift my focus succeeding at my new job and remaining committed to my goals.

Bitter, Bitter Red

bitterred

Over the last few days I’m coming to grips with some impending changes in my life. This year has emerged quickly. We’re into February already and I’m looking forward to events through April. In the next few days I may take a leap of faith I have never really taken before.

I’m scared yet ready to take a chance on a new opportunity. Bet on myself. A friends said I’m scared of new changes. To a degree yes, but I’m mostly afraid because I’m not in full command of the situation.

Maybe that’s why I struggle a bit socially. Unfamiliar situations make me uncomfortable initially. If I don’t feel confident in my knowledge of a situation, in the workplace or socially, I won’t know what to do. In some cases I completely reserve myself or come to regret whatever actions I take.

Bitterness is a prickly, prickly, thing. I’m seemingly fighting the same battle over and over again. At least I get over myself better today than I did two years ago.

Despite every negative or positive moment, since February 15th, 2016, one of the worst nights of my life, I’ve come so goddamn far. There’s no need to waste time worrying about past mistakes, regrets, or bitterness towards anything or anyone.

I’ve learned more than I can say about in just a few paragraphs. I take comfort in knowing I know close to nothing. Conversely it makes me nervous as hell, yet I take solace now in embracing the unknown. Jumping into the abyss has built my confidence, opened opportunities, and helped me meet someone wonderful.

Whatever happens over the next few days and weeks I carry no ill will. I’m so fortunate to find myself in this position two years later.

Forever

Gojira Performs At O2 Academy Leeds

Photo by Andrew Benge/Redferns

It’s extraordinary times for Code Orange. They’ve toured with Gojira, Hatebreed, and Killswitch Engage since the release of Forever. It’s a dream come true for a young band to not only play with legends, but get their respect too. Last night I got to see the new superstars devastate The Wiltern in Los Angeles with the heaviest band ever, Meshuggah.

Code Orange’s arrival on stage brought out all the anticipation in the audience to fruition. When they opened with “Forever” the show really began. After two minutes I was indoctrinated into their cult. They played with absolute disregard for anything and anyone. I couldn’t describe their performance at first. It’s not anger, hate, sadness but the transmission of freedom to express our primordial nature. For me, it’s liberation to exhume every emotion, positive and negative.

The first three songs of the set were unrelenting. I felt the ground literally vibrate during the “Kill The Creator” breakdown. You felt no mercy during “Real” when the band and audience in unison erupted “this is real now motherfucker!” Things settled down a bit with “Bleeding in the Blur” but they gave no quarter to anyone.

This was just another night for them, but for me this was a ceremony to join their tribe. It’s a new way to perceive how heavy music should sound and how we expect to experience it. They’re on my list of favorite current bands. Their performance only solidified that position.

Bands who seem like the soundtrack of my life and times stay with me, forever. They’re the kind of band that gives strangers a little insight about who you are.