life – Page 4 – Disaesthetic

Midnight Cowboy

I keep telling myself to love someone like I used to. Find someone, wife them up and live in romance, but I keep finding myself unsatisfied. I’m smitten for a moment but my feelings evaporate the next moment. It’s happening again. She’s a sweet woman but I’m not letting it go any further. I’m having a difficulty clarifying why I can’t commit to her. I want to a relationship. Be with somebody. So why can’t I just go with it?

Maybe I need to stop trying for a while. I’ve used dating apps a lot over the past few months and met some woman. All them wonderful and sweet but I’m not smitten as a friend put it today. We were walking Torrey Pines State Preserve this morning and finding ourselves in the same place. Late twenties and single. Meeting many partners but not captured like we once were. Lovely people but couldn’t commit.

Perhaps I’ve become comfortable enough alone. I don’t know what it’s going to take for a relationship to happen. Happenstance seems more evident. I value my independence. Maybe I’m not ready to bring a woman into my personal life. I know I’m not ready for anyone to meet my parents and friends. I don’t desire to get that involved right now. I think I need to maintain my independence more than anything.

There are different priorities for me now. Career goals sit at the top. I will spend more of my free time after work taking professional courses online. I’m exploring going into a Master’s program to better my opportunities. When I narrow down what I want, right now, elevating myself to higher level of professional responsibility and income supersedes a girlfriend. For many reasons personal achievement supplants everything.

I’m not in love with any one I’ve dated recently. Some of them evoked me emotionally but not love the way I have loved before. That’s not their fault. They were all wonderful women and deserve all the happiness in the world. Unfortunately I’m not giving them that happiness. I don’t have it for myself yet. I’m still working on making myself happy. Finding out what that is for me and what will keep me happy right now.

5.19.18

Shifting with change in my life has never been easy. I started a new job in late February. It’s been about three months and the job still seems new. Most of my time has involved training. I feel a long way from making professional progress even though I need to accept this was a professional reset button. Funny, this HR representative from my old job made an insulting statement saying I was making a “career change” during my exit interview. While in a way true, it was like she was offended I was leaving the company. Obviously I left clean energy finance but there wasn’t much of a career working for them. When you get passed up too many times and knowing you’re worth it makes one realize it’s time to move on. I made the right decision but I’m facing some personal consequences.

This new job feels far more isolating. There’s no down time, and understandably I’m being paid to work. I’m happy to grind but I miss working with a team of people. I miss the camaraderie. I’ve made some new friends there and even gone out but it’s not like before. I don’t want to get too close to anyone. At my last employer I unfortunately burned some bridges and made some people upset. I also had to deal with truly dumb, spiteful, and Judas people. I’d rather show enough personality but remain mostly anonymous.

Working feels far more draining now. Maybe it’s learning so much new information. Perhaps it’s having to work much harder than before. I typically don’t have the energy to workout and do something socially after work. There’s a companionship void. I thought I had to prioritize work first but I think I need them equally. It can’t be healthy to work so much and so hard and feel equally alone. Just can’t go on like that for much longer. Meeting new women, even knowing most won’t work out, will keep me engaged and not as alone. Shit, maybe one of them will work. I’ve learned not to compromise the things I want the most: my professional career goals, what I want intimately, and how I want to be treat. The last person I was with briefly gave me some of that but not all of it. It hurt to end it but going on that way would have been worse.

There’s a lot I need, as I laugh out loud in my mind. Having someone care about me emotionally and physically would answer a lot of those needs. There’s a comfort to someone asking me how my day is going. There’s a feeling of fulfillment to being missed and desired. It was nice for a little while recently but I won’t concede my goals and what makes me happy. I hope to meet someone who shares the same vulnerabilities as me. Wants the same things as me for themselves. I don’t expect the next woman to work but I will try until I know if she will or won’t.

Oblique Angles

The Jousters by Alexander Calder

I’ve been going through something lately. The void of loneliness hit me hard this week. Maybe it’s smoking cigarettes catching up to me. I got through three days without it. Today feels easier. Yesterday was the hardest. I felt the most alone. Visited The Getty before seeing Pianos Become The Teeth. It’s a beautiful museum. I only spent about two hours or so there but I’d make a day of it next time.

Hopefully I won’t go on my own again because it seemed like I was the only one who went solo. I’m missing companionship, as usual. I have friends but I’m pretty bad at making new ones. It feels like I have no one, despite a wonderful family and some great friends. I’d like to have Bro Gang back together but we’re all spread out. The older we get it’s more likely we’ll settle down in our current circumstances.

When I went to therapy it was suggested I try MeetUp to find new friends and hobbies. I’m too insecure. I make all the right excuses to avoid the unfamiliar but I’m running out of alibis. Whatever procrastination and loafing about after work hasn’t worked. I’m bored and alone, and when I’m dull I smoke.

Fresco with the Arrival of Io in Egypt

Today I’ve kept the urge at bay and thought more clearly. I’ve concluded there’s a need for socializing in my free time that doesn’t involve any kind ambition to achieve something. Everything I do involves some kind of goal, even if it’s not immediately apparent. Even when I player guitar I wonder if I can eventually make an album or possibly shows again. I don’t need to burden myself like that.

Perhaps I’m looking to mingle while doing something of no consequence. Maybe that’s how I’ll make a new friend or meet someone meaningful. I keep changing my mind about dating. I crossed paths with someone a few months ago but unfortunately she’s too far away and there’s likely no future. I daydream sometimes what it would be like if she was here permanently.

I also try avoiding thinking about her like that. We have different lives on opposite coasts of the country. At the same time I don’t know what I want most of the time, except maybe what I fantasize about. Maybe it’s unhealthy to think about her, but it gives me hope at the same time. Either way I need to get outside more, not just physically.

My time is freeing up a bit now. I’m settling into my new job and my eyes have set on career advancement. Now I just need to add social interaction to my schedule once or twice a week.