Tag: life

Swooning

I’m sitting in an airport waiting for my flight to depart. Of course I’m one of those people who shows up early. Regretfully didn’t take down a night cap before leaving. Thankfully sleep’s merciful release will swoon me as soon as my ass crashes the seat. Hoping for as much REM as possible.

Last time I wrote from the airport, I took stock of how far I’d come navigating independence. Dealing with a break-up. Last time I visited a close friend in Japan. Now a girlfriend, a little closer by.

Did not think I’d be saying that going into 2018. I wanted it to happen so badly again but of course these things always happen unexpectedly, by circumstance. I’ll be with her for a week, the most time we’ve had the fortune of spending together. What luck I have the means and time to see her.

I can imagine the future taking shape how wonderful that might be; however, I’ve felt the disappointment of a fizzled future. Enjoy the present. Appreciate the waking moment, it’s already passing. Savor it while it’s happening. The future is… Air!

Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.

Lost in Forever

I actually took this photo

The wind exhaled but didn’t whip with a frozen thorn. Our morning started rainy and overcast; however, the sun broke through over Point Loma into our glasses of liquid gold. Life seems cloudy sometimes, grey, yet once in a while light breaks through aphotic sky. For a few days out of the ennui, we had each other.

A few years ago was about overcome disappointment and forgiving. Reflecting on last year I’m struggling to define its meaning. Perhaps it was a transitional year with changing jobs and finding a new path for myself. This weekend surmised I met someone incredibly special to me last year.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in years. I know what will happen next month when I make a visit. I thought someone was “the one” once but I’m not naive anymore. I can’t say anything declarative about the future, but for now I’ve found boundless joy. She feels like how this sounds.

Adult life has barely begun for both of us. We have immediate priorities that demands most of our waking hours. I said I’d never do long distance but perhaps it’s an opportunity for both of us to accomplish goals better suited for a younger age. As I get older I’m starting to notice my urgency for accomplishing ambitions rises.

Maybe it’s a test of patience, ultimately a fortune, or maybe nothing but an experience. However it turns out we’re both enamored with each other, and for a moment on Sunday the heavens shined down on us.