2.25.18

Sanka-hakuu

When I see a certain name(s) resurface I never know how I’ll react. Fortunately I can get over it easier now but negative responses still occur. I had one such event this week leading me to ask should I leave people blocked on Facebook? Should I privatize my social media globally? And should I feel like a butthurt coward?

I still feel resentful towards a certain person but I guess that’s ok. They hurt me and that’s how I defend my sensitivity. My roommate provided confirmation and support. I don’t want certain people seeing what I’m up to and even just their name makes me uncomfortable.

Certainly shouldn’t fall victim to the Voldemort Effect and by writing about them, her, the scars seem to fade even more. I refuse to mention them by name partly from personal fear. Also their names deserve no spotlight. Still, it flusters me to get so bothered by certain names, especially hers. I hate how it has some power against me.

Even so there’s little reason to give it so much thought. My wish is to someday see her name and not even flinch. Perhaps not even notice it there. Optimistically those names will bare no relevance because I appreciate the joys and desires I daydream about, some of which are coming true.

I never really thought I would be close with my parents but we’re closer than ever. I cherish them more than ever and regret having ever despised them. I’m dating and finding my confidence. There’s still some work to do there but I need to find synergy with patience. None of my ambitions will come true by forcing them.

The current situation I find myself in seems perfect. Maybe in a few years I’ll realize how lucky I was during this time.

 

Living Through

Living Through

If you don’t already know I’m transitioning into a new job. After 2 years at the old place I found a new home and opportunity to grow professionally. The last two years were so formative for me. I would not have been ready to take on this new challenge without these experiences. While simultaneously nervous and excited I’m reminiscing about where I’ve been and where I’m going now.

Funny that Pianos Become The Teeth put out Wait for Love on my last day. It’s a record about the wonderful people in our lives. I met so many wonderful people at the last job, some I hope to remain friends with forever. This new job will introduce me to whole new world of people I hope to connect with. I can take the lessons I’ve learned about working relationships and foster new and strong connections.

Over the last few years I’ve found more self happiness in redefining myself mentally and physically. Setting goals and making self agreements have become tools to attaining happiness. Learning the only person who can make you happy is yourself was life changing event. Since then I’ve achieved in so many areas I wanted to succeed in.

Where I’m still struggling however remains in romance. Ironically I should learn to Wait for Love but I’m a bit impatient. I’ve had moments of courtship and that’s done a lot for my self-esteem and confidence in myself, yet I haven’t found the connection I’m looking for.

Part of it, I think, has to do with my priorities. Building a career is the main focus and goal in my mind. I’m driven to ascend within an organization. Much like a romantic relationship I want recognition. Covet what I bring to the organization. Still it’s not enough to just be on my own. I can accept being alone but that doesn’t fulfill me.

Work, friends, family, and living my way is enough, but it doesn’t complete me.

I want a relationship to happen organically but I want it to happen so badly. Surely this is part of the problem. Wanting to meet someone now but unwilling to wait. “Dry Spells” from Wait for Love resonants with me. Kyle Durfey talks about infatuation with someone and wanting more than whatever he’s referencing.

I find myself in the same enigma. I’ve met a couple of people and wanted more of their time. More of their affection. I can’t tell if it was there or not but I wanted it.

As of this moment I’ve only met one person in the last two years who captured my attention away from work, my faults, and everything else on my mind. She took me. Sometimes I don’t have the words to fully describe my emotions so I use songs. “Love on Repeat” sounds in music and words how she made me feel for a moment. I’m still looking for that sensation again, and I haven’t it felt since.

Nothing’s to blame and maybe that’s the point. Wait for the right person at the precise moment. One of my greatest fears in life is missing that opportunity. Fail in the moment. Perhaps if I can learn to let go of those fears this will become easier and weigh less on my mind.

I wanna end this by just pointing out a conversation I heard about love. These women talked about wanting romance, intimacy, and courtship, not sex necessarily. I want all of those things too, especially courtship.

Maybe it’s just American society but in this culture it seems nothing’s going to happen unless I make a move and attempt to court someone. I’ve come to accept that despite having some reservations about it. In Denmark, where I’m from, woman seek men just the same as men. Criticize me if you wish but that’s exactly what I want.

It’s nothing to expect but if someone proved just how much they wanted me by their actions she’d have my heart. That’s what I want simply put. To be wanted as much and in the same way as I want them. Recognizing that is easy. What’s hard is having the patience to let that happen organically. Waiting for love to happen.

Music Wire #6

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I’ve always found myself looking back on music past rather than its present. What an odd metaphor to borrow from Christmas. I’m reminded of all these great emo bands from the 90’s and early 2000’s reading Tom Mullen’s Anthology of Emo Volume 1.

These bands seemed like missed opportunities while they were around. Texas is The Reason came into my life long after their run and first reunion shows. When my high school journalism and social justice teacher gave me Do You Know Who You Are? they became the biggest band in the world to me.

I couldn’t wrap my head around why they never became what I felt. Learning they had actually worked on a second album and songs like “Blue Boy” and “When Rock ‘N’ Roll Was Just A Baby” were intended tracks agonizes me even more. The Norman Brannon interview is quite insightful.

There’s a common thread with these early emo bands rejecting the potential for mainstream success. Kurt Cobain said it best. He enjoyed the getting to the cusp of “making it” but hated everything about making it.

Reading Anthology of Emo gives great perspective about bands like Texas, The Van Pelt, and Rainer Maria who I frankly never knew had gotten to the level they were at. There is a universe where they could have become a major mainstream success.

Tom Mullen also has a great podcast called WashedUpEmo, where all the interviews for Anthology came from. This week Buddy Nielsen from Senses Fails appeared and really surprised me with such a full history of the band and himself.

They’re still a band, with a new record out next week, but it’s basically Buddy’s solo project, writing all the music now. Surprisingly former band mates tried to kick him out during the band’s hay day. Buddy admitted to suffering from anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. I dug a bit deeper to learn he struggled with his sexuality and sexual addiction.

It’s nice to hear his life seems together now with a spouse and child. Senses’ new songs reflect Buddy’s personal recovery. “New Jersey Makes, The World Takes” speaks to his personal triumphs and paying back support to his loved ones.

“Double Crosses” sounds as strong as any song I’v ever heard from them. It’s contemporary yet there’s nothing lost from their Jersey days. They still have the aura of a band dreaming to play Geoff Rickly’s basement.