Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.

Lost in Forever

I actually took this photo

The wind exhaled but didn’t whip with a frozen thorn. Our morning started rainy and overcast; however, the sun broke through over Point Loma into our glasses of liquid gold. Life seems cloudy sometimes, grey, yet once in a while light breaks through aphotic sky. For a few days out of the ennui, we had each other.

A few years ago was about overcome disappointment and forgiving. Reflecting on last year I’m struggling to define its meaning. Perhaps it was a transitional year with changing jobs and finding a new path for myself. This weekend surmised I met someone incredibly special to me last year.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in years. I know what will happen next month when I make a visit. I thought someone was “the one” once but I’m not naive anymore. I can’t say anything declarative about the future, but for now I’ve found boundless joy. She feels like how this sounds.

Adult life has barely begun for both of us. We have immediate priorities that demands most of our waking hours. I said I’d never do long distance but perhaps it’s an opportunity for both of us to accomplish goals better suited for a younger age. As I get older I’m starting to notice my urgency for accomplishing ambitions rises.

Maybe it’s a test of patience, ultimately a fortune, or maybe nothing but an experience. However it turns out we’re both enamored with each other, and for a moment on Sunday the heavens shined down on us.

What I Missed in 2017

Last year I looked back to acknowledge on some records I completely missed from the prior year. I usually miss out on a few records during the release year and find them in the following year(s). I completely missed on Pinegrove’s debut album in 2016 which could have made my top 10 list.

Decided to bring this exercise back to see if I totally screwed up last year. Overall, 2017’s top 10 holds up incredibly well. One of the strongest years in the decade and no other records looking back would impeach it now. That’s not to say there were a few solid efforts I was late on last year.

Hundredth’s fourth album Rare caught everyone by surprise. I completely dismissed them as another blah melodic hardcore band when I saw them at The Che Cafe in 2012. They shifted entirely into shoegaze and noise rock, breaking from denomination. Influences like Ride to modern bands like Nothing clearly inveigled their venture. While Hundredth aren’t changing post-rock in any way their evolution was completely unpredictable.

Other post-hardcore bands have tried playing with these styles but never a complete overhauling immersion like this. Rare feels like a band finding its true self. Undoubtedly an asomatous experience for them as they released a remix album and B-Side singles. This is the only album that could have possibly broken into my top 10. I only realized that recently. Still bummed they played the same night as Julien Baker last December.

Polyphia came off initially to me as one of those trust fund kid bands. Out of the gate had new gear and quality production. Despised them and others like them when I was in a band. Usually derided those bands but when I heard “40oz” on my old producer’s Instagram story I had to change my mind.

Irresistible hooks and grooving melodies, there’s a little funk, a little djent, mixed with their chill programmed vibes. I went back to hear their back catalog but The Most Hated EP stands apart. It’s Polyphia when I hear it. PAst projects sound like the rest of the prog instrumental pack, e.g. Chon. Very replayable EP too, always important for me, with tracks like “Goose” to vibe with driving around on a beautiful day.

Joey Bada$$ put on one of my favorite shows this year bringing Buddy along on tour. He completely assailed the stage and owned the crowd. Maybe I should have done my homework on Buddy. The environment you grow up in will play an indelible role for any artist. Growing up in Compton and LA County gave Buddy my favorite kinds of hip hop influences.

Less songs equals a better product as I’ve theorized. Magnolia packs no empty calories demonstrating Buddy’s talent and versatility. “Type of Shit” is clearly the radio song/hit yet “Who Shot 2 Tall” and “Last Time” cipher his social consciousness. Made sense Joey brought him on tour. When “That Much” kicked off live the energy in the audience rose to another level. Joey was superb. Buddy your bones moving.