Category: Personal

Karō Hotline

Since Thanksgiving my senses have been blitzed. One dam breaks after another. When I stare out into space it’s like staring through a tunnel of swirling water. Everything is unfocused except for my straight ahead vision. The surroundings are unfocused. I’m tired but awake in fear of the guilty from unproductivity.

The days start to blur together now. The same rituals take hold. Somedays I hate it but I’m too afraid to live any other way. Bless those who don’t worry about where the next paycheck comes from. I envy those who don’t get anxious about money, concrete stability, careers, or any of standards society seems to demand from us.

I’m scared shitless of not following the societal norms of how you life your life when it comes to money and holding a job. I have to depending on what I view as reliable: an employer. I know I’m taken care of yet when you’re not in a position you envisioned it’s draining. Then you start to burn out and fade.

There’s so much guilt and embarrassment from feeling like I’m so weak. Why can’t I just do my job and leave regular? Why can’t I feel full of energy more often? I’m withdrawing from jubilee, especially over the last few weeks. It’s obvious when food isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. Music doesn’t wire me the same way.

What’s happening to me? I wake up, eat some shit, go to work, guzzle as much coffee throughout the day as possible, hopefully go to the gym, eat some more shit, and lay in bed and stare at screen. This can’t be it. I see other people around me live life in so much color. Mine seems so gray, by choice.

It’s been almost two days since I got off work and thankfully I have 3 days of vacation before briefly returning to work. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping in and doing now. I can’t fucking do that again tomorrow or next two days. Let live. Live. Wake and leave. Breathe in the air. Be free.

Reestablish myself. Revel in revelry. Get out of the fogginess. Feel the wide open again. Stop being so fucking afraid.

Lost in Forever

I actually took this photo

The wind exhaled but didn’t whip with a frozen thorn. Our morning started rainy and overcast; however, the sun broke through over Point Loma into our glasses of liquid gold. Life seems cloudy sometimes, grey, yet once in a while light breaks through aphotic sky. For a few days out of the ennui, we had each other.

A few years ago was about overcome disappointment and forgiving. Reflecting on last year I’m struggling to define its meaning. Perhaps it was a transitional year with changing jobs and finding a new path for myself. This weekend surmised I met someone incredibly special to me last year.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in years. I know what will happen next month when I make a visit. I thought someone was “the one” once but I’m not naive anymore. I can’t say anything declarative about the future, but for now I’ve found boundless joy. She feels like how this sounds.

Adult life has barely begun for both of us. We have immediate priorities that demands most of our waking hours. I said I’d never do long distance but perhaps it’s an opportunity for both of us to accomplish goals better suited for a younger age. As I get older I’m starting to notice my urgency for accomplishing ambitions rises.

Maybe it’s a test of patience, ultimately a fortune, or maybe nothing but an experience. However it turns out we’re both enamored with each other, and for a moment on Sunday the heavens shined down on us.

Stories of Fall

Photo: Malachi

Staring at the blank screen after weeks of not writing reminds me of middle school algebra, unable to solve simple equations. The first sentence takes me 5 to 10 minutes until I feel like it’s good enough for me to move on.

The last few months feel like those agonizing minutes yet have breezed by like the rest of 2018. It’s almost my 1 year anniversary at work, I’m hoping to go on vacation early next year, and my ambitious career outlook still remains at the top of my priorities.

Sometimes it’s the only reason I wake up. My current job feels like a stepping stone, yet the days take their mental toll.

My support system always stresses patience, positive mental attitude, and a little amnesia: one work day at a time.

Being sick over the last few weeks certainly hasn’t helped. I’m looking forward to my first day at full health performing at a high level, for my own confidence.

Working in customer service drains the soul sometimes. If anything it’s perfect insight to how we truly treat each other in society.

Enough about work, overall I made great decisions in regards to my career this year. I’m in a better position now more than ever. Thankful for where I am.

Hallow18

Halloween 2018

I’ve had some fun adventures recently. The weekend before Halloween hung around the Wicked Village downtown. My roommate, our friends, and I fully enjoyed the costumes; we encountered a herd of Bob Rosses, played BP with deluxe trash bins, and danced to whatever EDM was played.

One of the perks of living in the city, despite its impossible parking and inflated prices, endures through unlimited freedom of lifestyle.

When life feels stagnated I can use my surroundings to remind myself what my hours at work have bought me. I can eat whatever strikes my mood of the moment. If I want to meet family and friends for dinner and/or drinks they all want to come down to my neighborhood. I’m fortunate to afford such luxuries.

Each year I feel more appreciative than ever. This year has risen my level of gratitude. I’m not just lucky but I’ve also earned what I have through determination and drudgery. As I start to realize this fact my confidence will grow.

Confidence, that’s the missing word lately. It’s the catalyst to improve all aspects of life.

After feeling super congested, lethargic, and weak over the past two weeks I’m hopeful I’ll be close to 100% tomorrow. I’ll have a strong work day and head into the weekend on a high note.

The next few weeks could help me get on a groove. It’s the holiday season. I’ll get a few days off here and there, but even more importantly see friends and family. Some important people are coming home from across the country and sea.

My friend Japan is coming home. The last time he was home we arrived at Gossip just in time for the new year. He and I have too many past due adventures on our list.

There’s one more friend coming home after new years hopefully. I (sometimes) purposely don’t name individuals. Leave you a little vague. You don’t need to know everything but listen to this song.

I don’t need to tell you anything else.