Category: Personal

Don’t Know What I’m Looking For

It’s Memorial Day and I have no plans. I imagine everyone I know has plans to meet up with friends and family, or go outside to socialize in someway. Not this guy (at least not right now). I’ve got nothing planned and hate it every time I’m planless. I knew a week ago I had nothing planned but I always manage to appease my lack of plans and procrastination. Even though I have the time today to do anything I have no clue. I fear wasting time yet I waste it. I fear misusing time yet I waste it. I don’t know what to commit to besides my partner, family, friends, and work. I haven’t committed to something for myself in some time. How or what it is eludes me. One thing I know for sure is I want some reward or payoff for this new passion I seek.

For years I wanted to form a band, release real music, and perform the songs. Nothing long term or career oriented. Some kind of output in records like Texas is the Reason. One full length LP, and at least one 7″. Sounds stupidly ambitious when you have no clue what it would sound like and you lack any musical talent, but that’s what I’d like.

I tried making a newsletter with some friends which was nice for some time but ultimately did not work for me. Out of that I found I might do something on my own like a podcast or my own curated newsletter, but to actually get people to sign up sounds like actual work. I have no desire to use social media. I only have instagram now for limit use. I do like talking about new music and new records I’ve purchased; ultimately, who the fuck cares you know?

Writing this out makes me realize maybe I need to find a new passion project or hobby where I feel some payoff with no one around or involved. People don’t give a fuck and I don’t blame them. Most of us are insanely boring people, including me, and even those who aren’t are pretentious as fuck usually. Recently I’ve only had a few things I enjoy doing alone: reading, listening to vinyl, streaming music and podcasts, and playing Pokemon. Sounds lame and unsatisfying but I do find myself detached. How can I get in tone with my own creativity, find satisfaction, payoff, with easy? I don’t fucking know. I need a new passion. I know that.

Anyways I’ve found some new things I enjoy to listen to.

Lines Sway

Photo: Krista Mangulsone

Feels like I haven’t written a real post in years. I wrote a little piece about the Raiders earlier last year and wanted to write about the team every week; however, it fell by the wayside as I started taking a project management course and then the COVID-19 pandemic broke. The last twelve months have felt lost in some ways. In other ways it’s trimmed the fat and inefficiencies from my life, and shown me what I care about most.

Expending my energies on responsibilities, commitments, and activities that causes unhappiness needs to stop. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but there’s opportunity to stop wasting time and energy on frustrating and unpleasant matters. I’ve not made the most of the past twelves. Certainly tried various experiences and projects to varying results. Recently I stepped back from a newsletter I’d been making with some friends. I’m glad I tried the project but it was a miserable experience by the end.

I felt a little defeated and bummed after but I’m glad it’s over. Doesn’t change the fact I love music and discussing my amateur connoisseur music takes. This seems like the best space I have to share my thoughts the way I want, when I want, how I want, and about what I want. The format of these writings remains unclear at the moment but I wish to write about my current listening rotations, new and old songs/artists/albums, and commentary on my listening experience.

Occasionally I may comment on current, or past, music events and non-music events simply to stroke my curiosity. Either way I want to use this space again for my own benefit. Share with anyone who reads this what I’m listening to so they can experience the same tasty goodness my ears enjoy.

Seabass Bebop

I haven’t written shit in a long, long, time. Seems like years have elapsed since I last attempted this. Never took the time to tell you I reached a monumental goal in my life, or how a global pandemic short-circuited all our lives. There’s not much to say other than this is fucking strife.

For those who know me my politics are well known. There were many times I wanted to sit down and exude all my rage over this blog. Many, many times. Would it have been worth it? Unequivocally no. I’m comfortable admitting this evitable truth now more than another time in my life.

Why? Before I felt weak as if I’d forsaken my 1st amendment right; however, it’s not worth the scrutiny or the myriad of risks in expressing my thoughts on the status of the country or planet at large. Somewhere Tom Brokaw is taking an afternoon nap mumbling to himself “The world’s in trouble…”

Instead I want to get back to the kind of writing I know and love best: music. Despite a year where Kobe Bean Bryant and Chadwick Boseman passed, the Coronavirus pandemic, abominable murder of Black Americans, and a corrupt President and system 2020 has given us an otherwise strong assembly of records to begin this decade.

The success of Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia seems COVID proof as one of the most successful records of the year. One of the few pop records I own on vinyl. Phoebe Bridger’s Punisher became the most unintentionally timely record of 2020. I knew Punisher would be her best work but didn’t expect its lyrics to capture the overall mood of a planet in isolation and self-quarantine.

Looking at my favorite/best records of the year, more than most years, women have pervaded into this world and I don’t see that trending plateauing. I haven’t seen much buzz about Alina Baraz but the music industry should look at her like the NBA looks at Luka Dončić. She could eventually ascend into the higher levels of popularity.

When I read shit like NME saying It Was Divine sounds “bland in comparison” to other contemporaries I can’t help but laugh. Who are these clowns writing for these publications? You won’t find writers like Chuck Klosterman or Hanif Abdurraqib critiquing for these outlets anymore that’s for sure. I’ll buy all your Baraz stock if you’re selling. That record has bedroom jams for sure.

Haven’t seen much press for Lianne La Havas’s self-titled record either. Again, what the fuck are these people doing all day? Just praying corporate planet Billie Eilish puts out some more bland “duh” material? Thanks again Greg for bringing her LP over yesterday. I need my own copy.

Seems like the generation(s) after mine sits on Tik Tok all day casually listening to the Kidz Bop track of the moment. Where am I even going with this? Whether it’s Eilish or some other soon to be irrelevant product music has become like a Tweet. 280 characters, ten to sixty clips, doesn’t satisfy me like a full-fledged album.

Listening to records in COVID times indelibly imprinted on me the importance of supporting musicians with the craftsmanship to sculpt a cohesive piece of art. Good for you if you can get rich off making some flavor of the week banger. There’s a distinction between those people and artists. I respect those that can give me coherence, purpose, and sometimes even longevity; although, I never expect it.

I’m not a critic. I’m just a guy in his bedroom pontificating on the music that matters to him. Music of quality which seems rarer today than it did ten years ago. Back than I remember reading music had never been more saturated thanks to the advent of the internet provided platforms to share music. Equipment and recording knowledge had never been cheaper or more accessible then. Today we’re even more inundated with empty calorie music. I hope to give you the best nuggets I’ve found.