Sebastian Langkilde

Living Through

If you don’t already know I’m transitioning into a new job. After 2 years at the old place I found a new home and opportunity to grow professionally. The last two years were so formative for me. I would not have been ready to take on this new challenge without these experiences. While simultaneously nervous and excited I’m reminiscing about where I’ve been and where I’m going now.

Funny that Pianos Become The Teeth put out Wait for Love on my last day. It’s a record about the wonderful people in our lives. I met so many wonderful people at the last job, some I hope to remain friends with forever. This new job will introduce me to whole new world of people I hope to connect with. I can take the lessons I’ve learned about working relationships and foster new and strong connections.

Over the last few years I’ve found more self happiness in redefining myself mentally and physically. Setting goals and making self agreements have become tools to attaining happiness. Learning the only person who can make you happy is yourself was life changing event. Since then I’ve achieved in so many areas I wanted to succeed in.

Where I’m still struggling however remains in romance. Ironically I should learn to Wait for Love but I’m a bit impatient. I’ve had moments of courtship and that’s done a lot for my self-esteem and confidence in myself, yet I haven’t found the connection I’m looking for.

Part of it, I think, has to do with my priorities. Building a career is the main focus and goal in my mind. I’m driven to ascend within an organization. Much like a romantic relationship I want recognition. Covet what I bring to the organization. Still it’s not enough to just be on my own. I can accept being alone but that doesn’t fulfill me.

Work, friends, family, and living my way is enough, but it doesn’t complete me.

I want a relationship to happen organically but I want it to happen so badly. Surely this is part of the problem. Wanting to meet someone now but unwilling to wait. “Dry Spells” from Wait for Love resonants with me. Kyle Durfey talks about infatuation with someone and wanting more than whatever he’s referencing.

I find myself in the same enigma. I’ve met a couple of people and wanted more of their time. More of their affection. I can’t tell if it was there or not but I wanted it.

As of this moment I’ve only met one person in the last two years who captured my attention away from work, my faults, and everything else on my mind. She took me. Sometimes I don’t have the words to fully describe my emotions so I use songs. “Love on Repeat” sounds in music and words how she made me feel for a moment. I’m still looking for that sensation again, and I haven’t it felt since.

Nothing’s to blame and maybe that’s the point. Wait for the right person at the precise moment. One of my greatest fears in life is missing that opportunity. Fail in the moment. Perhaps if I can learn to let go of those fears this will become easier and weigh less on my mind.

I wanna end this by just pointing out a conversation I heard about love. These women talked about wanting romance, intimacy, and courtship, not sex necessarily. I want all of those things too, especially courtship.

Maybe it’s just American society but in this culture it seems nothing’s going to happen unless I make a move and attempt to court someone. I’ve come to accept that despite having some reservations about it. In Denmark, where I’m from, woman seek men just the same as men. Criticize me if you wish but that’s exactly what I want.

It’s nothing to expect but if someone proved just how much they wanted me by their actions she’d have my heart. That’s what I want simply put. To be wanted as much and in the same way as I want them. Recognizing that is easy. What’s hard is having the patience to let that happen organically. Waiting for love to happen.

Music Wire #6

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I’ve always found myself looking back on music past rather than its present. What an odd metaphor to borrow from Christmas. I’m reminded of all these great emo bands from the 90’s and early 2000’s reading Tom Mullen’s Anthology of Emo Volume 1.

These bands seemed like missed opportunities while they were around. Texas is The Reason came into my life long after their run and first reunion shows. When my high school journalism and social justice teacher gave me Do You Know Who You Are? they became the biggest band in the world to me.

I couldn’t wrap my head around why they never became what I felt. Learning they had actually worked on a second album and songs like “Blue Boy” and “When Rock ‘N’ Roll Was Just A Baby” were intended tracks agonizes me even more. The Norman Brannon interview is quite insightful.

There’s a common thread with these early emo bands rejecting the potential for mainstream success. Kurt Cobain said it best. He enjoyed the getting to the cusp of “making it” but hated everything about making it.

Reading Anthology of Emo gives great perspective about bands like Texas, The Van Pelt, and Rainer Maria who I frankly never knew had gotten to the level they were at. There is a universe where they could have become a major mainstream success.

Tom Mullen also has a great podcast called WashedUpEmo, where all the interviews for Anthology came from. This week Buddy Nielsen from Senses Fails appeared and really surprised me with such a full history of the band and himself.

They’re still a band, with a new record out next week, but it’s basically Buddy’s solo project, writing all the music now. Surprisingly former band mates tried to kick him out during the band’s hay day. Buddy admitted to suffering from anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. I dug a bit deeper to learn he struggled with his sexuality and sexual addiction.

It’s nice to hear his life seems together now with a spouse and child. Senses’ new songs reflect Buddy’s personal recovery. “New Jersey Makes, The World Takes” speaks to his personal triumphs and paying back support to his loved ones.

“Double Crosses” sounds as strong as any song I’v ever heard from them. It’s contemporary yet there’s nothing lost from their Jersey days. They still have the aura of a band dreaming to play Geoff Rickly’s basement.

A Little Weary

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Today wore me out, despite not doing much of anything. After this work meeting with some important people I felt drained. It mostly has to do with resigning from my employer yesterday, effective end of next week. I struggle finding the words for the feel I have, especially with how certain people didn’t know of my resignation.

I’m tired. Can’t explain why. As excited as I am to begin a new journey elsewhere, I’m disappointed my career couldn’t have continued here. Personally, I had proven and achieved so much, yet the opportunities I wanted weren’t there. Nothing is guaranteed, and no one can predict the future.

Despite despondency there’s so much to take stock of. I took control of my destiny professionally. I turned my experience into a refreshing and stimulating opportunity to build upon what I have learned and built on my personal resume.

Ultimately I’m not where I want to be and taking a chance on something new and unknown was the move I needed right now.

No one knows where I will be in a year but I’m invested in learning and immersing myself in this new job and its comprehensive training. They really wanted me and I want to be wanted in life, professionally, socially, whatever.

Maybe it’s relief of all those feelings about my now old job finally dispersing. Talking about it in the past tense dampens me. When it’s all you’ve known for two years, my first full time job, and you contextualize everything from before and during this job, leaving and acknowledging this job’s end makes me grieve for it a bit.

I have zero bitterness for this job, or anyone there. This job let me live on my own for the first time. I got a car and traveled to Japan thanks to this place. I’ll always be grateful to them and those who helped me along the way.

Thanks to them I experienced enough to take a chance on something new. What I will miss the most are those whom I worked closely with for two years. I will miss the professional and personal connections made grinding out great work together. More than anything that’s what I’m bummed about leaving behind.

Now I put this behind me now. I needed to expel these thoughts. With the end nearing I shift my focus succeeding at my new job and remaining committed to my goals.