Sebastian Langkilde

Confession #2

Look at what I have achieved without you. Where I am despite of you. I’m so much better because of what you did. You have to live with that, even if you’re in denial. Someone else can love me. Someone else can do for me what you couldn’t.

My body is healthier now. I have power over my destiny. I’m in control of my path. I’m 100% independent. I’m happy alone or with someone, and I’ve found deeper bonds since you. Despite of you I’m closer with family and friends. I have perspective. I take accountability. I own my regrets. I don’t take for granted.

Every fortunate I’m lucky enough to receive I cherish. I’m grateful for the time I spent with you but I’m glad it’s over. I sincerely hope you know I’m so much more without you. I rose to this point because of you. This life is amazing and I’m glad you don’t get to be a part of it.

Confession #1

After getting this new job my time is far more limited. Unlike my last job there isn’t idle time which I’m happy about. I won’t be goofing around as much and getting distracted. So despite my lack time this blog still provides a confessional space.

This being the first confession I’ll trying to be somewhat specific but still vague where I want. At my new job someone got flowers today. Very nice gesture. I miss those kinds of things. Not necessarily flowers but someone thinking of me like that.

I think this is a carry over from my last relationship. I failed at doing that. I failed at a lot of things then. This person at work getting flowers reminded me how much I miss someone caring about me like that. I don’t know what else to say but if the opportunity comes again I won’t take it for granted.

2.25.18

Sanka-hakuu

When I see a certain name(s) resurface I never know how I’ll react. Fortunately I can get over it easier now but negative responses still occur. I had one such event this week leading me to ask should I leave people blocked on Facebook? Should I privatize my social media globally? And should I feel like a butthurt coward?

I still feel resentful towards a certain person but I guess that’s ok. They hurt me and that’s how I defend my sensitivity. My roommate provided confirmation and support. I don’t want certain people seeing what I’m up to and even just their name makes me uncomfortable.

Certainly shouldn’t fall victim to the Voldemort Effect and by writing about them, her, the scars seem to fade even more. I refuse to mention them by name partly from personal fear. Also their names deserve no spotlight. Still, it flusters me to get so bothered by certain names, especially hers. I hate how it has some power against me.

Even so there’s little reason to give it so much thought. My wish is to someday see her name and not even flinch. Perhaps not even notice it there. Optimistically those names will bare no relevance because I appreciate the joys and desires I daydream about, some of which are coming true.

I never really thought I would be close with my parents but we’re closer than ever. I cherish them more than ever and regret having ever despised them. I’m dating and finding my confidence. There’s still some work to do there but I need to find synergy with patience. None of my ambitions will come true by forcing them.

The current situation I find myself in seems perfect. Maybe in a few years I’ll realize how lucky I was during this time.