Sebastian Langkilde

Midnight Cowboy

I keep telling myself to love someone like I used to. Find someone, wife them up and live in romance, but I keep finding myself unsatisfied. I’m smitten for a moment but my feelings evaporate the next moment. It’s happening again. She’s a sweet woman but I’m not letting it go any further. I’m having a difficulty clarifying why I can’t commit to her. I want to a relationship. Be with somebody. So why can’t I just go with it?

Maybe I need to stop trying for a while. I’ve used dating apps a lot over the past few months and met some woman. All them wonderful and sweet but I’m not smitten as a friend put it today. We were walking Torrey Pines State Preserve this morning and finding ourselves in the same place. Late twenties and single. Meeting many partners but not captured like we once were. Lovely people but couldn’t commit.

Perhaps I’ve become comfortable enough alone. I don’t know what it’s going to take for a relationship to happen. Happenstance seems more evident. I value my independence. Maybe I’m not ready to bring a woman into my personal life. I know I’m not ready for anyone to meet my parents and friends. I don’t desire to get that involved right now. I think I need to maintain my independence more than anything.

There are different priorities for me now. Career goals sit at the top. I will spend more of my free time after work taking professional courses online. I’m exploring going into a Master’s program to better my opportunities. When I narrow down what I want, right now, elevating myself to higher level of professional responsibility and income supersedes a girlfriend. For many reasons personal achievement supplants everything.

I’m not in love with any one I’ve dated recently. Some of them evoked me emotionally but not love the way I have loved before. That’s not their fault. They were all wonderful women and deserve all the happiness in the world. Unfortunately I’m not giving them that happiness. I don’t have it for myself yet. I’m still working on making myself happy. Finding out what that is for me and what will keep me happy right now.

Uncle Tony

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’m wishing I had another day like this before the reality of going back to work sets in. Let me have another day with my oldest friend back home for a weekend. Another night with a pretty girl in my bed. Just one more sunny afternoon under the umbrella with condensation running down my plastic coffee cup. Let me day dream about things I want to experience again and for the first time.

Writing this makes me grateful for the life I live. I have the smallest of problems. I look back and know not too long ago I didn’t want this life. I can’t help grieve for Anthony Bourdane who took his life this week. It’s been a few days but I was so angry when I read the news. Angry because I loved the person I saw on Parts Unknown, but more upset because suicide is such a waste. I’ve been there. We are worthy of finding happiness. I’ll probably never know what was going on with him but it sure as hell wasn’t worth it. He was loved and he will be missed.

His legacy will impact his loved ones more than anyone. For me he showed me places I never thought of visiting. He inspired me to travel. I don’t care how cliché that sounds. I’ve had good fortune seeing some wonderful places early in my life but once I hit my teens those experiences stopped for a while. I didn’t have any ambition to travel. Bourdane’s show feed that dormant desire in me. It wasn’t just the food but how he romanticized the places.

There wasn’t anything phony about his admiration. His genuinism influenced me to travel on my own dime and find solace in these new places. To find the space and air to find peace within myself.

Bourdane did that for me. He was one of the few people in recent years that gave us ideas about what’s beyond just working and going home every day. That the world isn’t just bigger in size but in its meaning. Sharing a plate of rice in Thailand means more than meal. It’s asking “how are you doing?” He introduced me to people who fought a revolution so they could eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. I could go on but you should just watch for yourself at this point. Bourdane might have left us physically but for those who watched a little piece of him will always live on.

RIP Tony

Golden Luxury

Source: Stacy Revere / Getty

After falling behind to a tremendous Cleveland Cavalier effort The Golden State Warriors engineered a victory behind 43 points and 13 rebounds from Kevin Durant.

GSW fell behind early enduring a LeBron James triple-double, a great Kevin Love double-double, and 15 points from Rodney Hood off the bench. Hood particularly damaged GSW early into his minutes. Even with all those solid efforts the Cavs could never pull away by no fault of their own. They never commanded the game. No matter how well they defended him, Kevin Durant always made a bucket to keep GSW in the game.

It seemed Cleveland would just get this one. Steph Curry couldn’t hit a three with an Ohio hooker holding his prick and showing him the way. Thanks for the quote Four Leaf. Klay Thompson did not play well either. Andre Iguodala returned tonight but wasn’t the difference many believed. There wasn’t the usual third quarter surge tonight. JaVale McGee microwaved 10 points in 14 minutes but Durant’s 65 FG% carried the squad.

In third quarter GSW managed to catch up but neither team could pull away. Cleveland received contributions from several different players. It seemed like Durant was the only one scoring for his team primarily backing down defenders for fade-aways. With four minutes left in the fourth it was winning time.

Curry finally hit a big three, Iguodala and Draymon Green had massive dunks, but Durant’s three from 30 ft away, reminiscent of last year, slayed The Cavaliers with less than a minute left.

Golden State now needs one more game to win three titles in four years. We should remind ourselves Kevin Durant’s decision two years ago made this possible. He’s the ultimate extravagance. When the two greatest shooters arguably ever go cold they turn to Durant. When he struggles, the splash brothers inevitably overwhelm the opponite.

In the Houston series I had concerns with his play. Durant himself admitted displeasure with his performance. Curry up until tonight lead the team, but when he couldn’t the golden luxury took over. This team seems impossible to defeat and will add another title Friday night.

Golden State can play average but as long as they’re engaged with either Curry, Thompson, or Durant leading the team they will undoubtedly win, every time.