The NFL put the word out there on Thursday and Friday, “we back up.” Yeah I’m watching The Wire, again, question is why ain’t you? Bless Baltimore. Sorry for your loss. Still got a lot to prove Lamar and team, but I know their squad will see the Chiefs down the road.
Can’t say I’m shocked by the performance Thursday night by the second son of a zebra Shawn Hochuli. I did, however, disappoint my dad when I finally told him last night I won’t be continuing The Wheelhouse Podcast this year. I’ve intentionally avoided this admission for a long time publicly and privately. This is hard to admit because it feels like failure.
Part of me has to admit the work of editing and scheduling the podcast with my partner Andrew was agonizing, but reality is my career and personal life made ending the podcast (for now) necessary. Andrew already knows this, but I’m so grateful for his time doing these podcast with me. I made this decision because of travel for work now on top of visiting Thailand this year makes consistent podcasting unrealistic. Still, none of this changes my love of the sport. I spam my father and Andrew in our group chat with my shitty takes almost everyday.
Finally, football sundays are back! In lieu of a podcast I will endeavor to give you, as I have for three years, my picks on each game each week. I’ll give you my three favorites too. I love this shit, and you know I mean what I say.
Chris Berman Primetime Block
- Sunday, Texans @ Colts: Texans -2.5, Over 48.5
- I’m biased and unabashed about my love for the Texans. I don’t care if the public puts too much money on them. I don’t care that year two should be a regression. Both the Colts and Texans had a nice offseason improving their teams. Big difference between them? Anthony Richardson has started 17 games since high school and 501 in-game drop backs since the start of the 2021 season. Yeah let that sink in… I know this logic will befuddle the great mind of one Andrew Murray but what proof is there Richardson is any good? To piss off my man here some more Richardson is just the next edition of the Trey Lance legacy. CJ Stroud on the other hand is the best rookie I’ve ever seen. He turned a joke of a franchise into one that seems the most likely to someday dethrone the Chiefs. The Texans are fixin to become the next dynasty, if they don’t get too ahead of themselves. This will be one of the most important games week one that may down the road decide who wins the division. Take. Care. Of. Your. Business.
- Sunday Night, Rams @ Lions: Rams +4, Under 52 (Favorite #2)
- Who doesn’t love an epic wild card rematch? I expect the Lions to win at home but not by more than a field goal. Last time came down to the wire and both teams are primed to make another run for the crown. Expect more of the same from January. Also, McVay as a dog?! Come on now!
- Monday Night, Jets @ 49ers: 49ers -4.5, over 43.5
- Too much money coming in on the Jets, who until further notice are still the Yets, and 49ers have the organizational advantage in every conceivable way over the Yets. Yeah, the 49ers had too much drama this off-season but everyone is basically back. Let me see the Yets actually block a real defense before I start calling them the Jets.
B-Dubs Express (The Watchables)
- Sunday, Jags @ Fins: Jags +3.5, Over 49 (Favorite of the Week)
- This is my first favorite of the year. Love the over! I think the Fins regress overall this year and Jags exceed expectations. Usually Miami getting teams at home in September is a huge advantage, and usually a W, but not against a fellow Floridian squad. The Fins have several questionable players suiting up tomorrow while the Jags start fairly healthy. Defensively the Fins will see the most regression losing Wilkins to my Raiders and Fanny Pack to the Eagles.
- Sunday, Titans @ Bears: Titans +3.5, Under 44.5
- This is the most puzzling spread of the week for me. Bears are favored but the money is coming in on the Titans 60/40. It’s hard to imagine the Titans improving without Mike Vrabel, but week 1 is one of the best times to surprise an opponent. What makes this tricky is too much money is coming in on the Titans yet the Bears are overhyped in every possible way. Covering 3.5 seems difficult even against supposedly inferior talent. I’ll take the points here but I’m extremely uneasy here, which should make for a good game.
- Sunday, Raiders @ Chargers: Raiders +3, Over 40
- Oh yeah, hell of a way to start the 2024 season for me. This game never disappoints. I know the Chargers want this one bad after that 63 ass whoopin! This will be a brass knuckle fight. Harbaugh and Pierce are both cut from the same cloth. The guys go to mat covered with blood. This lends itself to a close game. Raiders lose Koonce in this rematch which troubles me. Still, Chargers have their hands full with Wilkins and Crosby. I’m looking to see if Tyree Wilson can make good on his development. Admittedly I’m curious to see the Harbaugh brand of Chargers football.
- Sunday, Broncos @ Seahawks: Seahawks -6, Over 41
- I’m high on the Seahawks this season. It’s pretty simple: Mike McDonald is our latest example of the New Coach Theory and rookie DT Byron Murphy is a 3 technique who somehow slipped to 16 in the draft. Almost every team needs a Murphy yet chumps like the Falcons passed him up. Wonder why they’re always disappointing… Anyways, I expect the Broncos to improve with Nix under center and Payton having the team he REALLY wants, but I like the fact most of the money is going to them and Seahawks are ready to surprise the rest of the league and exede all expectations.
Phil Simms Bland Bananas (Barely Watchable)
- Sunday, Vikings @ Giants: Vikings -1, Under 41
- Sunday, Pats @ Bengals: Pats + 7.5, Under 41
- This one makes me frisky too. You can get the Pats +8 some places. Bengals historically have started seasons slow since the arrival of Joe Burrow. Nothing wrong with it. We’ll see’em in the playoffs if Joe stays healthy, but like the Brady and Belichick Patriots the first quarter of the season is usually a pre-season for them. 7.5 to 8 points feels like a lot and the squares are slamming the Bengals too much for my taste.
- Sunday, Condoms @ Bucs: Buc -3.5, Under 42.5 (Favorite #3)
- I know everyone is hyped for Trojan’s new line of Condoms… I mean everyone is stoked for the new look Commanders. Major Tuddy in da house!!!!! Still, the Bucs have Super Bowl pedigree defensively, there is continuity with the whole squad, they beat the Eagles in the playoffs and took it to the Lions, and switching Josh Harris for Daniel Synder doesn’t quench the stench of Tuddy’s pig pen. Also, ask 76er fans about the Josh Harris era…
Bridge to Nowhere
- Sunday, Steelers @ Falcons: Falcons -3.5, Under 41.5
- Sunday, Cards @ Bills: Bills -6.5, Over 47
- If you know me, my distaste for Kyler Murray is no secret. Take my opinion as extremely biased but nothing has changed about Kyler Murray except he was appeased contractually and he has achieved nothing in his NFL career other than hype from the fellatio experts over at ESPN, The Ringer, Twitter, you know the places. I’ll begrudgingly give the touchdown to the Bills who I don’t believe in much as a serious contender with their head coach likely on the hot seat, $60 million of dead money, and a defense in tathers. Still, fuck the Cards and the roadrunner.
- Sunday, Cowboys @ Browns: Browns 2.5, Under 41
- Don’t love either team. Neither is a serious contender. Too much money is going to the Cowboys, which is not unusual. Question is how much of it is Cowboy fans and how much is sharp money. Either way I love the Browns at home. On the road is another story. Can’t wait for Shea in Irving to lose his mind on Monday.
Montezuma’s Special
- Sunday, Panthers @ Saints, Panthers +4, Over 41.5
- Per the Action Network, the money coming in on both teams is pretty even. I’m feeling frisky and taking the cheese on the Panthers. 4 points seems nice for a team with the new coach theory potentially in effect. Last year the Panthers may as well have had Urban Meyer at head coach. The malpractice with coaching alone is enough to make the team with new blood more competent in 2024. The Saints are still paying for my old problem, Derek Carr. They seem like Southwest Airlines these days. Massive debts, little profit. A hostile takeover might be on the horizon…
Photo by Daniel Álvasd
Disaesthetic 