Sorry Andrew but your ducks blew it. The Mallards started hot with two quick touchdowns but struggled once Auburn’s defense caught its breath and Oregon ran out of plays for it’s limited receiving core. Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn seemed determined to serve the ducks his read option meatball special featuring true freshman, and perfectly named dixy quarterback, Bo Nix, who sprinkled in two interceptions and 42% passer rating for good measure. Despite their depleted forces, Oregon had the ingredients for an easy win until old habits came to Jerry’s World to roost.
Dropped passes, one in the end zone, and bad penalties (from the fucking punter) weren’t even the worst of it. Two uncalled for timeouts exposed Oregon head coach Mario Cristobal had no situational awareness nor plan for us back-up QB. The whole stadium knew you were gonna run the damn ball. Perfect opportunity for a play action pass but nah let’s be predictable. Can’t wait for the NFL season to start. Sure you still have your Jason Garrett’s in the pros but at least there’s some sophistication in their offense and defense.
Anyways, I digress. Auburn in defiance of its inept coaching found a victory through unrelenting defense and a great last drive by Nix. Let’s not start ranting and raving “Bo Knows Comebacks.” It was one game. He stared down his receiver for the last touchdown and played like shit for three quarters. Nix could have easily been the talk of disappointment in college football, but he won his first game while covering the spread. Tip of the cap. Congratulations to my roommate Amelia and the War Eagle faithful.
The spelling of Bo’s name turned into a debate at our party with some advocating for B-e-a-u versus B-o. If you’re born and raised a War Eagle fan it’s Bo, end of discussion. Unfortunately for Andrew and Puddles the game left them and Ducks nation disappointed once again. Will this be another wasted season for Oregon QB Justin Herbert? The shadow of Chip Kelly looms. I share in Andrew’s pain with my Raiders heading into what feels like a catastrophic season, courtesy of Hard Knocks. It’s officially football season.
Before the Auburn game, the Texans traded Jadeveon Clowney to the Seahawks for a third rounder, essentially bailing Seattle out of the void left by Frank Clark. Then Miami fleeced them for two first rounders, a second, and two throw-away players in exchange for Laremy Tunsil, Kenny Stills, and a fourth rounder. Ryan Grigson must have Vince McMahoned in his chair. Bruce Allen frothing with envy in Washington. Even in retirement Andrew Luck owns the Texans. Kansas also took advantage dealing Carlos Hyde to Houston which opened their roaster for Shady McCoy.
Nothing excites me more for the season to officially start than awful management of a professional football team. That’s what being a fan is all about. False hope your team becomes a contender, but they won’t. Calling plays from the La-Z-Boy like you’re Belichick (you ain’t). Thinking you know better than the jerk running the team which you don’t, with the exception of the Texans. They gave up more for their offensive needs than the Bears and Browns gave up for Odell Beckham Jr and Khail Mack. Anyone could use those precedents to bargain a better deal, but what do I know? I’m just an anthropologist.
Happy Labor Day!
Disaesthetic 