Shifting with change in my life has never been easy. I started a new job in late February. It’s been about three months and the job still seems new. Most of my time has involved training. I feel a long way from making professional progress even though I need to accept this was a professional reset button. Funny, this HR representative from my old job made an insulting statement saying I was making a “career change” during my exit interview. While in a way true, it was like she was offended I was leaving the company. Obviously I left clean energy finance but there wasn’t much of a career working for them. When you get passed up too many times and knowing you’re worth it makes one realize it’s time to move on. I made the right decision but I’m facing some personal consequences.
This new job feels far more isolating. There’s no down time, and understandably I’m being paid to work. I’m happy to grind but I miss working with a team of people. I miss the camaraderie. I’ve made some new friends there and even gone out but it’s not like before. I don’t want to get too close to anyone. At my last employer I unfortunately burned some bridges and made some people upset. I also had to deal with truly dumb, spiteful, and Judas people. I’d rather show enough personality but remain mostly anonymous.
Working feels far more draining now. Maybe it’s learning so much new information. Perhaps it’s having to work much harder than before. I typically don’t have the energy to workout and do something socially after work. There’s a companionship void. I thought I had to prioritize work first but I think I need them equally. It can’t be healthy to work so much and so hard and feel equally alone. Just can’t go on like that for much longer. Meeting new women, even knowing most won’t work out, will keep me engaged and not as alone. Shit, maybe one of them will work. I’ve learned not to compromise the things I want the most: my professional career goals, what I want intimately, and how I want to be treat. The last person I was with briefly gave me some of that but not all of it. It hurt to end it but going on that way would have been worse.
There’s a lot I need, as I laugh out loud in my mind. Having someone care about me emotionally and physically would answer a lot of those needs. There’s a comfort to someone asking me how my day is going. There’s a feeling of fulfillment to being missed and desired. It was nice for a little while recently but I won’t concede my goals and what makes me happy. I hope to meet someone who shares the same vulnerabilities as me. Wants the same things as me for themselves. I don’t expect the next woman to work but I will try until I know if she will or won’t.
Disaesthetic 