Photo: Alison Scarpulla
I don’t write or read as often as I should. A lot has happened since last time. I bought Lords of The Realm a few weeks ago but I haven’t managed to spend much time with it. There’s always something to write about but I’ve lacked the energy and will.
Physically I haven’t been myself. I finally got over some major congestion this week but my stomach has felt weak. I haven’t worked out much these two weeks. While the rest feels necessary I don’t do anything productive or fulfilling. I feel guilty for not working out or doing something with the time that just opened up. It’s an odd conundrum.
Everything seems like a enigma lately. I stopped seeing someone I liked. I’d never made that decision before or told someone we were done. It obviously wasn’t fun but it was the right decision for me. Now I feel lonely again.
I’d like to be with someone but it doesn’t seem practical right now. My career feels far more important right now. Maybe I’m more afraid to try again, or my confidence feels a little diminished. Whatever it is I’m not trying right now. Perhaps I’m letting my career focus excuse me from trying to find someone. If I really wanted to find a partner and balance my priorities it’s not impossible. Certainly difficult but attainable.
My mom thinks I’m overexerting myself. She’s right. I’m going back to working out three times a week to give my body time to rest and open up my schedule. I spend too much time alone. I want to meet new people. Make new friends on my own.
As much resistance as I have to finding a mate, at the core of me, I want it to happen more than anything. When I meet the person who just fits by intuition, in some way I can’t foresee, that’s the moment to embrace those romantic dreams I have.
Disaesthetic 