How has it already been a year? It’s a line I’ve been singing in my head since 2016. I started this blog last April 22nd under shit circumstances. I felt romantic love die for the first time. No amount of salt would stop the bleeding. I wasn’t mature enough to handle that yet. I can hear the internal laughter as I reminiscence over how far I’ve come though. There’s a wound but it’s something I’m not ashamed of anymore.
Since that post last year I’ve moved twice, bought my own car with my money, established myself as a young professional at a hot company. I sought personal help and figured myself out a bit. I can proudly say I’ve accomplished more during this time than I ever did before. I found a reason to thrive when I wasn’t really sure about anything at all. A voicemail from my mom yesterday reminded me I’ve done so much since I was humbled. I have a lot to be proud of.
My job was the foundation I needed to build around when I didn’t know what the hell to do. Getting the satisfaction and acknowledgement of my growth over the last few weeks has fueled my grind to another level. Smash the hammer even hard at the walls that block the way. When I got there I was a 24 year old man child. I lived at home, drove my parents car, and couldn’t figure anything out on my own. I know my parents even doubted that I could make it. I have to admit I was terrified to fail.
Fear of failure more than anything in my life served my survival. The fright of not making it helped me overcome challenges I thought would take years. A life time maybe. Yet I’m taking this time appreciate the moment. I moved to North Park recently. I’m leaving for Japan as I write this. I interviewed for a supervisor position and made a strong impression. At least I hope that feedback was truthful.
See, I still haven’t gotten used to or accepted when someone says positive things about me. I don’t think that way in regards to myself. When I sought help this was a challenge my counsel tasked me to get over. This summer will require managing this issue. Receiving positive energy really helps however. I can use as much of that as possible. I get more satisfaction giving out that positivity. I’m terrible at giving it the way people want it or expect it. Learning on the job, as they say.
It’s a privilege to have the career I’ve only just started. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t earn a job opportunity and come out of it even more determined and satisfied than ever. I knew going in I wouldn’t get it. Confidence was there but I’m young, inexperienced, and have a ways to go to become a leader. The feedback I received however indicated I have what it takes. Grind harder. Get better. Don’t just be great. I know where I stand and now my goal is to separate myself.
In that trajectory I can’t forget about helping others. I have so much work to do in that area. Self-inflected damaged holds me back more than anything else. It’s usually only ourselves that holds us back. I have to improve being approachable. Subject matter expert is great but being a trusted source is even better. I rub people the wrong way and that’s something I can resolve. Sometimes my full assault or get it done attitude is too intense. I’ve gotten that for most of my life. I’m too direct. Too harsh. I need to soften those things to help the folks I work with.
They probably don’t even know I just want to help. I like them all personally. They’re moms and dads. Culturally diverse. Grew up all over the country and the world. It’s a wonderful and unique space we share. That place gave me a chance and took care of me when I wasn’t doing well a year ago. I want to return the favor as long as I’m there. Those people helped me make it through some days when I was ready to just give up on everything. They may never know and it doesn’t matter. I feel a calling to give back. I heard Ryan Leaf talk about the power of give service to others.
Leaf talked about when he gave of himself a lot of his baggage didn’t hurt so much anymore. I’ve gotten help and there’s more work to do but serving may take that progress to the next level. I’ve wanted to volunteer in serving folks living on the street. I haven’t done enough there. Be less about myself and more about others who need help. My life is a fortune. I have a career, food, comfort, security, family, and time. There are many that don’t have any of those things. I can share some of those assets with others.
If you’re reading this blog for the first time I go on tangents pretty often. Anyway, my life is a privilege and I need to share that more with others. This career a year later satisfies me more than ever. I need more satisfaction in my personal life. I’m not hurt anymore about being single but I get lonely occasionally. At the same time I’m not even sure what I want or if I want to be with someone. I haven’t met anyone yet that’s made me drop all my restraints and just go for it. Of course I’ve met some people I like or have interest in, which a year ago I couldn’t imagine doing again. Nothing has made just go for it yet. It’s probably just not time yet. When I’ve just accepted I might be alone forever or just let it go complete… Something always seems to happen on it’s own.
Maybe getting over myself more and most of my spite will help. My spite towards my ex, my biological father, and others is pretty egotistical. A lot of my drive and ambition is to prove I don’t need them. Prove they fucked up. Make them regret… This is a pretty shit way to live. I gotta fix that.
Overall, life is good. I’m happy. Last year I wasn’t. This year I want to break the atmosphere. I have more self improvement to accomplish but I’m proud of myself. I made it. I vindicated my mom and dad. I vindicated myself. While I always feel I have something to prove to everyone and myself, there’s truly nothing to prove to anyone but myself. Looking back I know what I’m about and what I’m trying to build. I’ve proven I’m worthy of whatever it is I’m seeking.
Disaesthetic 