Vicariously

It’s a Saturday afternoon. I just took some photos with an old friend from college. I needed some professional shots taken for work and social media. It wasn’t a mandate or anything but I was looking through my Linkedin and saw the five plus year old profile pic I took for business purposes. I also don’t have any nice photos of myself so I used an opportunity to get some photos through a friend.

Summer is coming up and I’ll be traveling to Japan soon and working harder than ever at work. I guess I’m prepping my public face for career growth and attention online. Part of it is also to project where I am now and how far I’ve come from last April. I’m thinking about making this blog public so people can find me. I don’t have a really good reason to do it other than I want to. Maybe it’s ego. Either way it’s a thought.

I’m living in North Park now. It’s been about three weeks to the day. Seems like last week. Time moves quickly when you’re working and adulting. Today is the first real day I’ve had to just go out on my own and enjoy living down here. There’s a long list of places I’ve wanted to check out and visit. I’ll only get to a few today but this is what I fought hard to earn. Last year I was struggling to just make it through a day. Now I’m finally living.

There’s a long way to go as far as having all the things I want but I’m also at a personal wall with my goals. I wanted a lot of things a year ago but now I’m not really sure what I want two minutes for now. I don’t have much of a plan. I’m also realizing I have an ignorance for how to go about getting or doing the things I want.

Example, I want to hike and run trails in Balboa but it seems like such huge task to research. Seems like it’s information people in the area just know. It’s passed down from person to person. It’s just like meeting new friends or love interests. That prospect seems impossible to me. For one, I still have little confidence in myself or that someone would even find me attractive enough to have anything to do with.

Anyway I’m still working on my own negativity a year later; however, I’ve built up my strength to still thrive on my own. I have my own car, made a name for myself at work, live in North Park (ain’t cheap), money in the bank, and a lot of ambition. My relationship with my parents has never been better or stronger. I’m more proud of that than anything else. It’s meant a lot for us as a family. I’ve also allowed myself to have feelings for other people.

I’ve tried being with other people which I thought I could never do again. Now it hasn’t been the same but the fact that I’ve tried is great for my self-esteem. I just haven’t found someone quite yet. I was with someone last weekend and it was everything I could have hoped for but I wasn’t looking to commit or make anything of it. Felt nice to have someone treat me like I was special for the first time in a while. I’m not ready for anything like that yet. Remember I don’t know what I want after I finish this.

I don’t even know what I’m writing next. Maybe if that stops mattering life will get that much easier or better.